i wish i could find what’s missing
what makes doing and going someplace new
feel like i’m trudging through a battlefield
except artillery and rifle fire
are the unfamiliar places and people
where everything is bright and too loud
shadowy people with waxy faces
an alien dream
this is my nightmare
“i’m sure it’ll be fine”
is the social balm
for my nothing problem
doesn’t make me feel better
who’s scared to go places
freak
i’m exhausted
my mind is spinning and spinning like
i’m running for my life
i’m trying to dodge thoughts and possibilities
they pop out at me like too-tall cartoon characters, clowns with bleeding make-up and boulders waiting to crush me
imagining conversations with strangers like there is a ringing in my head
dragging my thoughts together
like a bunch of trampled papers
fearing words that might come out wrong, a response or joke i hear incorrectly
the more i know about myself
the more i think, i am in the world differently
i ask my therapist
what does it matter, she says
a proper diagnosis
is too expensive
Poetry
Mondays
mondays suck
like sour wine
like getting sick
after feeling fine
mondays drag
like fishing net
like unsaid thoughts
you cannot forget
mondays stay
like a bad cold
like stagnant work
and it’s growing mold
mondays crush
like heavy stone
like feeling down
completely alone
monday’s here
like sunday died
like freedom left
and you’ve said goodbye
I suppose this poem isn’t the best Monday morning inspiration to start your work week, but we’ve all been there. ❤️
Sometimes, all we can do is try our best and survive the day. I hope we all have a great work week. Soo busy here!
Best,
AJM
Untouchable
there’s this feeling
after midnight
responsibilities die
time stretches on
you know there’s things
you need to do
but time is infinite
untouchable
in the early hours
If I knew
if i knew when i was younger
that I would spend so much time
looking back to the days when things were simpler
yearning for it
with an ache that feels like grief
a longing that gnaws
like unsaid words
i might have enjoyed my time more
might have gone to the mall more often
might have told more secrets
got into trouble
if i had known the world doesn’t get any friendlier
that the scariness never really goes away
that i’ll still often feel like that 16-year-old farm girl
dressed in boots, patting cows
looking out across the field at the end of the barn
longing for something exciting to happen
maybe i would have realized sooner
that the stars don’t just fall for anyone
Another Springtime Poem
Peepers peep
like peepers do
a springtime herald
so we know, too
Alone
i have this fear
i die alone
i push people away
the judgement
she’s so selfish
he’s not perfect
i pluck them out
like hairs on a head
floating with doubts
and insecurities
Springtime Flowers
springtime showers
bring springtime flowers
dripping blossoms
puddles of color
Eclipse
a lifetime moment
when the moon comes and takes the
sun’s moment to shine
I meant to post this in the morning today… but I do have an excuse. Drove up to Newport, VT yesterday to view the eclipse and got home 1am last night. 😭😝😪😴
It was so worth it, though!
The Differences Between Men and Women
she starts her morning without regard for herself
20 mins go by
she’s taken care of others, but not her own needs
he can’t find clean pants
Heart Monitor
like a parasite
latched to my chest
it reads
and knows
when my life’s blood
hesitates
I currently have a heart monitor on for the month of April…my body hates me, hah. Hearts been skipping a beat/pounding. Could be all normal…could be not. Better to be safe than sorry! This poem is silliness. But sometimes we must make light of the very serious. It’s the only way we survive. It’s the only way I survive.
~AJM
A. J. Morse 