Saying Goodbye to My Office

So, Mike, the other half, and I will be moving to a new location this coming weekend. While, the change is a much-needed one and nerve-wracking and hopefully the start of new adventures and story inspiration, I can’t help but be sad by it all.

img_20160806_143819072_hdr.jpgOur new location is smaller, but in a better location, but I will no longer have an office. At least…for now.

So, this is me packing up my books in boxes, lovingly stroking their covers, feeling sad like I’m packing away old friends. Thinking in my head: I’ll come back for you…this is only for a short while.

Already missing my collection of Knickknacks, my odes to Star Wars, and squeeze stress cow.

img_20160806_143902592_hdr.jpgAlready missing all of the more memories and story planning and writing I could have done here…but.

But.

It took me a long time to feel like I even had the words to say to even justify me having an office. It’s no joke that this gal here has struggled with a terrible writer’s fear after college.

Back then, I had the words to say in my head and my writers voice would just go and go and sometimes went even when I was supposed to be doing other things.

img_20160806_143830415.jpgAfter graduation, it felt like that voice was buried under a thick sludge of self-conscious. I went to the page with fear in my heart and self-doubt. I started a blog, I wrote, I stopped, I wrote again.

And then somewhere along the years of this, I discovered that I was being ridiculous. Oh, the fear is still there, of course. I feel it now wanting to creep it in, but I won’t let it.

I didn’t need an office to validate me as a writer, although having one is certainly a perk. Being a writer is something much more than that; and even though I’m sad I’ll no longer have this place to call home, I feel like, home is where the heart is.

My writing home can be the same way. It’s like a state of being. It’s where I most belong…I just have to make it so.

Happy Writing Everyone!

Friday Night Writing

Already had my glass of wine, and in bed before 9:30 on a Friday night…but there’s some silver lining here; going to try to write some!

“Gonna try to write something,” I told Mike, the other half. “Escape from the shit in the world for a while.”

Isn’t that the case most of the time, though?

When the world gets too much, or when it’s just not enough, we disappear into the fictional one for an adventure, a distraction that gets us out of this dysfunctional funk we find ourselves in half the time.

Maybe this is why I also love Children’s Literature. There’s always an adventure, always something to be learned but usually a positive outcome in the end.

And we could all use a happy ending, every once and awhile.

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Happy Writing!

 

 

 

Buying Alcohol at 9 in the Morning

imageThis post isn’t about writing at all, really. It’s not even about alcohol, either.
This summer I turned twenty-eight, (woo me!) but I was having a thought last night, and I have no idea what it means to be a twenty-eight.

Should I feel like an adult? An old lady? Should I just give up all together and realize that being an adult is waay overrated? Hmm. There’s a thought.

Here I am on the brink of thirty, (clearly,) and all I want to do is travel the world, try awesome new food, and adopt a new pet…maybe a rat. It would be cool to have a rodent I could train to do tricks.

Last night, I went to bed at 10pm, and woke up at 8am with Mike this morning. I picked up some things to make enchiladas at Wegmans for dinner tonight, (we here in upstate New York loove our Wegmans), and grabbed some bottles of wine at the nearby liquor store…all before 9am.

Am I getting old?

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My purse I bought.

I tried shopping last night and I realized I don’t even know whats in any more. I picked out a purse and thought, Oh my God, what if its an old lady purse?!

One of my girlfriend’s assured me that it was definitely not…but I guess my point is, I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m way too old to shop in the juniors section, but I’m too young to graduate to cardigans and carpet bags.

I’m ready for that time where I’m not a jittery twenty-year old trying to figure life out, but I don’t have visions of buying a house, or having kids…yet. I still feel like I haven’t done anything.

I guess it makes sense that I am feeling this way, because I’ll always be a kid a heart. The unconventional sort who likes to wear Jon Snow t-shirts, and Star Wars leggings, (I totally don’t have Star Wars leggings, but now I want some!), and who likes to write notes for stories in the shower on my trusty water-proof notebook.

I want to travel the world in a camper that rocks back and forth on the highway, and I want to drink wine at 10am and eat s’mores for breakfast. I want to listen to music with the windows down, and I want to experience new things, and learn a new language.

I’m too old to sleep till noon anymore, because, let’s face it, when you get older, time is a currency all on its own. But I’m not ready for the white picket fence and suburban neighbors. Who of any of my generation can afford that anyway?

I want to live a life of plenty, and I want to be that crazy neighbor that has painted every side of her house a different color.

I want to celebrate the life of an unconventional and I think we should all cheer to that.
I want to live the creative life that I was meant to…

Because there’s no age-limit for creativity, and I’m completely fine with that!

Hope everyone is having a great Saturday!

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson: My Thoughts and Impressions

I just finished listening to Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy on audio today and I absolutely loved it.Furiously Happy is a memoir about Lawson’s life; specifically her struggles with mental illness which she explores with amusing essays featuring her blog, her family, and her life.

It is exactly as she described it: a funny book about horrible things, and for anyone who suffers from mental illness,  like depression or social anxiety, it is an easily relatable book and comforting when you learn how the author counters her illness.51Z3ZotTWfL__SX329_BO1,204,203,200_

Some of my impressions:

You can’t take yourself too seriously.

That much is obvious. You have a bad day, you embarrass yourself, you cry about it, but you move on. There are many things that happen in her life that I would be mortified about but she seems to have master the knack for laughing about it sometime down the road.

She relies on family and the comfort of friends.

Relying on the comfort of loved ones on those really down days is a good option. You feel so alone inside, but you don’t have to be physically alone. Loved ones are there to provide support when you need it.

She has mastered the art of pretending.

She is good friends with Neil Gaiman who gave her some great advice when she was having doubts about being able to read her own book on audio. She told him she wasn’t any good at it, and he told her (something along the lines of), “pretend that you are good at it.”

Take a deep breath and step forward.

It’s not always easy to move forward when your mind is telling you that you can’t possibly leave the house right now, because then you’ll have to talk to people and sometimes there are days when that is just exhausting. In that case…

Learn how to push yourself.

Even when it is very difficult;  because the rewards are worth it in the end.

And that’s it really.  I’ll probably end up listening to it again in a few days. I found it a great comfort and relief to know that I shouldn’t have to make excuses for myself on my bad days. Because those that also experience the same things that I do, completely understand.

What do you guys think? Have you read or listened to Furiosuly Happy? What were your thoughts on it?

 

Vacation in the Outer Banks, NC

I haven’t posted much for a few days, but I’ve been on vacation!

img_20160610_162157167.jpgThought I would post what I remember from the trip here since I have a terrible memory and want some kind of record of it.

***Be warned, this will be a long post!

(But don’t worry, there will be a lot of pictures, too, so you can always scroll down and just look at them. :P)

13453095_10154174176120610_1622201492_oDestination: Frisco, NC on Hatteras Island in the Outer Banks. (Cape Hatteras National Seashore!)

Length of Stay: 2 Nights. Leaving a few days for travel, etc. So…4 days.

I did not expect all the cornfields. There’s a lot of farm land driving on down from Virginia to the Outer banks, and its a great combination of rural landscape and the ocean in the background.

We arrived at Frisco Campgrounds in the afternoon on Friday, and the ranger, who’s grey-haired and a bit stooped and brown from the sun, hands us a campground map and says in that laid-back southern way:

“Well, here’s how it works: you go around and pick out two or three sites that look good to you and then you come back to me and tell me which one you want. Some look like they are empty, but they’re not, so you got to pay attention.”

13453479_10154174165540610_1034518977_oThe first site we picked out, I got stung by a hornet as soon as we went to move the picnic table. (Looks like they were building a nest, and we were not allowed to help!)

At the second, while setting up our tent, I stepped on one of the small cactus plants which were scattered amidst the grass and sand like prickly, evil minefields. Oh, and did I forget to mention the fire-ants? (although, they didn’t really bother us.) And the mosquitoes? And the wind that nearly blew our tent away the second night?

But despite mother nature getting the better of us, we were able to get our tent set up and got to see this view:

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img_20160612_091725798.jpgThe beaches were mostly empty as they were used primarily by the campground and there weren’t that many people staying that weekend.

img_20160610_171635529.jpgThis might also be due to the fact that the board walks used for access to the beach were flooded from the recent tropical storm. See all that water there in between the dunes and the shrub-like trees?

Yeah. That’s not supposed to be there.

img_20160610_171639339.jpgMost of the campsites had some pools of water tucked into the corner somewhere. In one campsite, the picnic table was surrounded by a nice lake of water, and one of the bathrooms and showers was also surrounded (this also added to the mosquito problems) but despite this, we still had a good time.

Imagine all the colors possible in mother nature…let them fill your mind and breathe them in and hold them close to your heart, like a feeling that you’ve stumbled upon an accidental paradise; and even though, it’s not perfect, it feels like it is because of the way the sights and the sounds and the smells assault your senses.

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Walking through it, the water was like the color of cherry juice with a hint of rusty-brown at the edges. But glancing out over the flooded land, the sky made it look the bluest of blues, as the grass and sea oats swayed in the breeze and the water rippled, caught by the wind.

Large, black tadpoles swirled around your ankles as you walked through the water on the boardwalk. There’s the gurgle and splash of the water as you step through and the sun is bright and makes everything sparkle.

At the end of the boardwalk there’s the climb through soft deep, warm sand to the top of the dunes, and then there’s the intake of breath and this view:

img_20160610_171705896.jpgNothing to see but ocean and no one around for miles, but for a few people. Here on the beach if you have ORV, feel free to drive them down by the water, which I thought was kind of neat.

For dinner that night we went to Dirty Dick’s Crab house (no lie, that was its name!) and got this platter for two:

13410720_10154174173440610_660206797_o(1)It was full of crab, shrimp, clams, potatoes and corn. So, so good!

That night it was star-gazing and listening to the chorus of frogs and insects hum and croak and drone through the campground…the noise was really quite impressive.

13467543_10154174166340610_1375642821_oThe next day, we climbed the lighthouse at Cape Point, and got these views:

13446092_10154174166020610_915295096_o 13445900_10154174165830610_11397569_oSee this water here in the above picture? Yeah, that’s not supposed to be there either…it was the campground we were first supposed to stay at, which got flooded from the storm.

13441739_10154174165900610_29198612_oMike, the other half was quite funny when he was taking these pictures…he had a hard time getting close to the railing as he was afraid of heights! Meanwhile, I’m hanging my head over the side like a loon, but I did get dizzy walking back down the swirly stairs.

13441863_10154174165780610_2062672348_oIt’s the tallest lighthouse in North America and pretty impressive.

I got all sorts of sun burnt that day, though, and that night we had problems with the wind blowing at our tent, so the next day it was packing and the drive back home.

We got stuck in traffic for a few hours on 95 coming through Virginia somewhere around Richmond. It was 100 degrees at some point, so thank God for AC!

On our way to find food and a bathroom in Williamsburg, VA, we accidentally drove through historical WIlliamsburg, which was a treat.

Passing through Maryland, we saw a car on fire on the side of the highway and then driving through Pennsylvania on 81, I got car-sick.

But I have to remember these little oddities and that’s what makes a vacation as special as it is sometimes:

13446312_10154174176320610_2080884460_o 13460763_10154174176370610_1774136575_oSeeing some of the annual kite festival as we were driving through Kitty Hawk on Friday.

13442010_10154174165530610_394978242_oThis adorable little deer which hung around our campsite for some time that last night, and only ran away because our tent flapping in the wind scared him.

img_20160610_182449115.jpgSea turtle nesting sites…

img_20160610_155745190.jpgWalking in the surf…

img_20160610_202107193.jpgAnd a good sunset to end a busy day.

I’m ready for our next beach time adventure! (I do have a new beach umbrella and kite to try out!)img_20160613_120439217.jpgI didn’t go too crazy on the souvenirs as we really didn’t have the money, but I did get me a new key-chain to add to my collection. And anyway, a picture is already worth a thousand words.

Now there’s the question:  Where to next?

Happy Writing!  (And Traveling!)

Trouble Finishing Projects?

Good Morning World!

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View of Cayuga lake on our most recent adventure. 🙂

This morning is bright and sunny and I am happy about that. I feel like we went straight into summer this year, with spring long forgotten in this eighty degree weather, but I am okay with that, too.

I was having a thought the other day…which ties in well to this blog post, really, as I never put those thoughts into action; never completed what I intended to…

Do you guys have trouble finishing a project like I do?

Seems like the more I get older, the more my mind is racing to the next thing; the next idea, the next book, the next writing project. I will spend a good portion of time working on one story, and then zip…its off to the next one.

Even when I read a book, I can’t seem to focus on just one. I’ll get halfway through something, and if it isn’t grabbing my attention like I want it to, I’m off to something else, and I’ll occasionally go back and forth between two books at the same time, which I never did before.

And why do I have like ten different writing projects, and can’t focus on just one?

Is there something wrong with me? Or do you think some people’s minds are happiest working on more than one thing at once…like those people who take a bite of everything on their plate and will finish a meal like that. I used to eat all my mashed potatoes at once!

Well, did a little googling to see if there are some answers to my ‘chronic procrastination’ as some people call it, and it comes down to this:

That same old writer’s fear.

Some people don’t finish things because they are afraid of the outcome. What if it isn’t perfect? How can it ever measure up to how I imagine it?

The way some people counteract this is that they encourage people to stop thinking so much. Hmm. Knock it off, self!

Quit trying to see the big picture, and think of the here and now. One step at a time. One chapter, one plot, one character at a time. Keep in mind that these components of a story are all adding up to something, but stop expecting it to happen over night, geez!

Will I ever stop doubting myself?

What do you guys think? Ever have trouble finishing things like me?

Happy Writing! (or in my case, procrastinating!)

The Liebster Award Nomination!

Thank you to Dainelle Hunter for nominating me for the Liebster Award! It means a lot to me that you thought of me. 🙂 I hope this gives readers more of an insight into my writing and what this blog is about.

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The rules are as follows:

1: Thank the blog who nominated you and link back to them.
2: Make a blog post telling 11 facts about you.
3: Answer the 11 questions from the blog who nominated you.
4: Prepare 11 questions for those you will nominate.
5: Nominate 11 new bloggers (those who have less than 200 followers) by commenting in one of their blog posts.

11 Facts About Me:

~My favorite TV Show of all time is Firefly. (FireflyThe fact that it only had one season is an atrocity.

~I only write with one with kind of pen. (Gel pen, black ink, pilot G-2 07.)

~I hate memes where the sentences are deliberately spelled wrong, drives me nuts! (Like: ‘he’s doin me a hurtin’….grrrraaggh)

~I like to write movie and TV show reviews.wpid-img_20140602_185717984.jpg

~I love libraries and books stores.

~I am a tea drinker, love tea.

~I love being outdoors; the trees, the quietness.

~I have an obsession with nicknames. A lot of my characters have nicknames. I think its interesting how people/characters are much more than the names they are given, and the ones they’ve grown into.

~I am a dog person. I like cats, too. But if I were to have one pet it’d be a golden retriever, lab, or a mix.

~My favorite color is now purple. (It used to be blue but my grandma passed recently and that was also her color.)

~I own about five different Star Wars t-shirts.

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Answering 11 Questions for being Nominated:

1. Why did you start blogging?

  • I started blogging to get myself to write an least something a day. I wasn’t writing anymore and it worried me. I would go weeks without writing anything. I started blogging just to get back into writing.

2. What do you love/ hate about blogging?

  • I love how freeing blogging is. It really is like writing in a diary, you can feel free to be yourself and that’s that.  I hate that I don’t have the time to write daily or more quality posts.

3.What is your philosophy?

  • I’d say…Live life to the fullest, no regrets.

4.What career are you pursuing/ What is your occupation and why?

  • I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Ideally a writer, who actually makes money. 😛 Right now I’m in data entry.

5.Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

  • Hopefully published! And working on other projects.

6.Who is your favorite fictional character?

  • I’ve always loved Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He is supposed to be the bad guy, but by the end of the show you can’t help but love him. He’s so pathetic and amusing.

7. What is your favorite movie?

  • I have a lot. Inception, Star Wars (of course), Princess Bride, Guardians of the Galaxy are probably the top faves though.

8.What is your favorite book/ quote?

  • I am a big fan of Maggie Steifvater. All of her words are great. But I really loved this one from The Dream Theives:

“There are three kinds of secrets. One is the sort everyone knows about, the sort you need at least two people for. One to keep it. One to never know. The second is a harder kind of secret: one you keep from yourself. Every day, thousands of confessions are kept from their would-be confessors, none of these people knowing that their never-admitted secrets all boil down to the same three words: I am afraid.”

9.  What is your zodiac sign?

  • Gemini.

10. What is your biggest fear?

  • Fear of failure is a big one for me.

11. Describe the strangest dream you’ve ever had.

  • I had a dream I was a dolphin once. I was leaping in and out of waves, it was so much fun and exhilarating…and then I woke up.

Questions for Nominees:

  1. What is your favorite book of all time?
  2. Why did you start blogging?
  3. What is your biggest fear?
  4. If you could have a super power, what would it be and why?
  5. What is your favorite kind of food?
  6. What is your favorite movie?
  7. What is your favorite thing to do during the Summer?
  8. What is your Zodiac sign?
  9. Do you believe in the supernatural? (Vampires, werewolves, ghosts?)
  10. Describe your strangest dream.
  11. What would you say is the best thing about you?

And that’s that! I can’t wait to read what you guys come up with!

Hope everyone has a great weekend! 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day, Grandma…I Miss You

I’ve been sitting here for the last half an hour on Wikipedia reading about Reba McEntire, about her recent divorce, her relationship with Kelly Clarkson, and the plot to Reba’s show, Malibu Country, which got cancelled about three years ago.

I haven’t suddenly become obsessed with Reba McEntire, (although I’ve always liked country music,) I’m stalling.

grandma roseA year ago today, May 8th, we lost someone special to us in our family. My grandmother, Dorothy, passed away from cancer. Today is Mother’s Day, but I’ll never get to say hello to her again.

Which is why…the stalling. I know I want to write something to honor her, but I don’t know where to begin. With all the poems I wrote about her in the past year? With our last conversation? The words of Reba McEntire’s song, “What Do You Say” keeps repeating itself in my head.

What do you say in a moment like this? When you can’t find the words to tell it like it is?”

My heart breaks a little. What do you say?

Dear Grandma,

I miss you.

Love, Amanda

There really isn’t much more to say. I said it all before in the poems I wrote for her: For Grandma, Not Goodbye, Baseball Memories, Up and Up, and Big Picture.

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My sister, Anna, me and Grandma in the back seat of the car on some road trip, over ten years ago; laughing and being goofy.

P.S.  I remember the last time we spoke, Grandma, I made you laugh. I told you something that Lilly had said, and I made you laugh. You were in pain, but my last moment with you…I made you laugh. One day, I’ll type out that conversation. I’ll put it in a memoir and tell everyone how much your house smelled like you, how it felt so quiet, and cold with you down for the count, and everyone wondering, “Is it time?”

But no, one spring afternoon at the end of April, while you were lying on the couch, too weak to get up, I made you laugh. And it warms my heart like nothing else.

I love you, Grandma.  Happy Mother’s Day.

There’s Always Time for More Books

So, a week or so ago, I strained a muscle on the right side of my back. I am now in physical therapy for it, (which in itself is a whole new realm of pain,) but boy, you never realize how much all the muscles are interconnected! And since I am right-handed, every time I use my right hand, it makes my whole arm hurt…

Anyway, yesterday, I ran out of my strong pain meds, and while on errands, and although I felt like someone was stabbing a sharp instrument into the muscle in my back, we stumbled upon this cute book shop not far from our house.

It was a used book shop full of old and rare books, and every corner of the small shop was jammed packed with all sorts of old treasures. The owner of the shop greeted us when we walked in, and the door did a small jingle as it shut behind us. The first book I picked up was published in 1901, and I felt my heart beat with excitement.

I could barely move from the pain, but I couldn’t wait to find a new book, or an old one, or just something to spark the imagination, to take myself to some different world, to a magical realm of my very own. I like the smell of old books, too. I like the smell of the pages…all dusty, ink and possibilities.

“Let me know if I can help you find something,” said the shop owner; an old man of retirement age, with white hair and beard, intelligent eyes and a shirt that read, ‘There’s always room for more books.’

And suddenly I could picture it: I would come here on Saturday afternoons and look for books. One rainy afternoon I would strike up a conversation with the old man about antique books, which would then lead into a conversation about favorite authors, and then writing; and then next thing I know, a month later its like Tuesdays with Morrie for us…he’s my new writing mentor and that’s that. He’ll be my sudden spark of inspiration, my friend, my encouragement…all because I stumbled into his shop one blustery April afternoon.

Michael’s voice interrupts my thoughts, though, while I’m standing there dumbly in the wonderfully warm book shop. “Babe, we got to leave. We won’t have time to get your pain meds before my appointment.”

Me: (hopefully)  “Five more minutes?”

For the record, we didn’t have time to stop at the store before Michael’s eye appointment, but it inspired this blog post.

There’s always time for books…even if you are in pain…because for me, books are a medicine of a different kind, and I love it!

Hope you guys are having a great weekend!

Happy Writing!

Self Doubts and Elizabeth Gilbert’s novel, Big Magic

Had a busy weekend this past time around. It was the other half’s birthday, PLUS Easter, so most of Sunday and Monday was spent away from home, so except for Saturday, I didn’t get much writing done.

I sat down at my desk on Saturday with the intention of working on the story…you know the one I told you guys all about? The one where I’m going to kill off one of my favorite characters? (gulp). Annd…of course, I ran into another snag.

You ever sit there and re-read what you’ve written and think to yourself: It’s crap. It’s total crap. It’s never going to come together. I’m sitting here just fooling myself. What am I doing? Why bother? I’m not as good as I think I am…

I listened to the doubts and I ran away from the computer and probably got a snack, (because that’s what I do lately, I stress eat.) And I didn’t get back to writing. I might have written a few paragraphs…if even.

I told my friend about it today at work and she reminded me of the fact that we all have those doubts, and it’s just a first draft, so you can always go back and re-work it. Which, of course, makes sense…but…its amazing how much a tiny bit of doubt is so crippling.

I recently listened to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear and I think of that now. If you haven’t read it and need some writing encouragement, I suggest you check it out. The audio is great, too, as Gilbert herself reads it. It’s amazing. I could probably do several more blog posts just talking about that novel, and hey, I probably will, someday, but that’s not the point.

In the novel, she talks about how a lot of writers listen to the voice, that negative voice that tells us we are no good, that we are worthless, that our stuff is crap, and that we should just crawl back into our hole.

She mentions how some writers feel like they need permission to be a writer, that we almost need someone to tell us that yes, you are a writer, and that its okay to create, to fail, to have doubts…

Now, I’m just paraphrasing of course, and I probably twisted her words a bit, (I’m not good without a physical copy of the book in front of me,) but then she grants us permission to be a writer, and I love this!

I like this thought of permission to be a writer. We all know, that in reality, we don’t NEED permission to create, but boy, do those doubts tell us otherwise! They tell us that we really are nothing and shame on us for trying! I love how Gilbert gets to the heart of the matter with just those few words.

The doubts make us feel like we aren’t worthy, but that’s so untrue! And by telling us that we have permission right off the bat, makes me realize how silly doubting can be, and I want none of that!

I’m sure more doubts will creep in down the road, (they are bound to, it’s me,) buut, I am reminded of this ludicrous idea: that I need permission to create. As if anyone can stop my creative process?! As if I can’t create when I want to?!

I love the challenge that Gilbert inadvertently creates with her words. Me? Need permission to create? Yeah, right! I’ll do what I want!

It’s so much easier to be the self-righteously offended, than to let those doubts creep in.

Have you guys read Gilbert’s new novel? Any thoughts on it? Do you ever have doubts, too?

Hope everyone has a great night! Happy Writing!