Restless…on a Friday? Again?! Yep. I’m a Writer.

October 9, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

I was out of work early again today. And I practically ran out of the building. I’ve been worried more and more about the lack of hours at my job, but I hate the idea of applying for something new.

Despite being boring, I like my job. Data Entry isn’t stressful. You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to. But I happen to like my co-workers. For once in my life, I am surrounded by like-minded people my age and it is wonderful. We all seem to hate that we can’t find that high-paying job that we’ve all been searching for, but we like movies, we like food, and we like to laugh.

Even though it is not the best job in the world, the people who I work with make the job worth it. I found the same environment once years ago at my first job (at Wal-Mart surprisingly,) where you feel like part of a team, and your co-workers are also your friends. (I guess it’s easy to bond over a common enemy. Heh.)

But anyway, was telling my Mom on the phone this morning how I’m so sick of trying to find jobs that I don’t want. I understand that you have to work to pay your bills, but when it comes down to it…at the end of the day, I’m not a sales-associate, I’m not a debt-collector, I’m not an indexer, I’m not a customer service representative. I’m Me. Amanda. A Writer.

I’m a writer.

And I’m sick of making excuses about that. A person who studies to be a doctor, tend to work with sick people. A person who studies to be a teacher, teaches. I studied to be a writer, so I’m going to write. I’ll carry my burdens, and I’ll pay my bills and I’ll do what needs to be done.

But I’m not going to sit here any longer and feel ashamed or feel like a failure, because I can’t seem to find the job that works for me. Because when it comes down to it, maybe I can’t find that perfect job, because I was not meant to work at those places? Hmm.

Epiphany? Food for thought?

I say, us writers, or artists or whatever, need to stick together. Because not everyone is meant to be a top executive, or administrative assistant or successful business person.

Some of us are writers, and none of us should feel ashamed about that.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Feeling Restless on a Monday

October 5, 2015 / Ajmorse / 4 Comments

I got out of work early today (thank goodness!)

Ever find yourself tapping your feet, glancing at the clock, wondering when the day is ever going to end? And if it does, hopefully it’ll be sometime this century?

I mentioned in an earlier post that I’ve been having trouble with anxiety. I tend to get anxiety due to my seasonal depression, but lately, I’ve been getting anxious doing nothing.

Today, glancing at the clock on my computer at work, I could have sworn that time crawled backwards just to mock me. Every twitch of the foot, every tap of my fingers on the keyboard was reminding, reminding, reminding me that I could be somewhere else, anywhere else. And that time is money.

Time is money, money, money…if only I got paid to waste time. (Well, one could almost argue that this is what I do at work most everyday, but anyway…)

If only I got paid to follow my dream…if only I could travel, see the world, pay the bills, see my family, and go back to school and not worry that my car might break down next month, or that I won’t be able to pay for groceries.

I want to be able to go out to eat where I want, I want to plan a meal (whatever it is) and be able to go out and get the ingredients, no matter the cost.

I want security, and I want love, and I want everything that a child of the 90s was promised: I want that American dream.

But then the economy crashed, we got a new president, and everything just…tanked.

I want…I want…

Right now, I’ve been content with how much (or how little) I have. I’ve been learning that life isn’t in petty things. It really isn’t food. It really isn’t the things you buy for yourself.

But…I definitely feel like its time to see more of the world. It’s time to move on. And maybe that brings me back to my whole going back to college thing. Maybe that will inspire me to do what I need to do to be where I want to be.

It is time for this restlessness to go away. Like…now. Okay. Rant over.

I hope everyone else is having more of a productive Monday than I am!

Happy Writing!

Saturday Morning Cartoons and the Winter Blues

October 3, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

It’s cold in our apartment this morning and its become that time where we can’t decide if it’s quite cold enough to remove the AC’s from the windows. (I think so!)

I woke up this morning, (and bundled up!) and got myself a cup of tea and brunch…and now I am settled in a blanket in front of the TV watching cartoons. (I found Phineas and Ferb on Netflix, tehehe).

The point is: it is raining and chilly outside and I am completely content with being a bum and snuggling under the blankets. I think I might start reading a book, too.

This hibernation of mine this morning, reminds me of the last couple of days, which have been kind of rough for me. It has been terribly gloomy and rainy outside.

I get terrible seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, (SAD). For those of who don’t know what that is, read the definition here.

Basically it is what it sounds like it is. I get depression based on the seasons. Usually its based on how light it is outside…in the winter months the days are shorter and it does something to my brain…I don’t get all the happy chemicals I need and I spiral into an emotion imbalance…I change.

It’s very frustrating. Its like I lose half of myself each year. I morph from Summer Amanda into Winter Amanda and I don’t like losing myself each year to that other person.

(I know I definitely need to move south or something,) but right now I live in New York and this is who I am.

Summer Amanda likes to be creative, likes the sunshine, likes to try new things.Winter Amanda has a hard time concentrating, she’s super tired all the time and she wakes up more and more with a feeling of hopelessness deep in her chest.

The tiredness, I can deal with…but the depression….it makes it very difficult to wake up each and every morning.

Some days are better than others. This feeling of hopelessness also leads to self-doubt, which in turn leads to anxiety. It’s a never-ending cycle and sometimes it is exhausting.

I am very blessed to have friends and family in my life that get why on some days I just want to stay inside where its safe, though. I just want to be surrounded by love and comfort and warmth, and enjoy a nice night where I’m not self-doubting myself, where I felt content and safe and loved.

Not everyday is like that, though.

I am lucky, though; the shorter days will soon be over, and come late December, the days will start getting longer. It’s just these fall into winter months where I struggle the most.

So, I’m going to sit back, listen to music and enjoy my tea, and some light box therapy, and not feel guilty that I am being completely unsocial while doing so.

The people who are important to me in my life get it, and that’s enough for me.

Happy Saturday Everyone!

Good Ol’ Comfort Food…

September 16, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

I know that food isn’t love, but sometimes there’s a reason why comfort food is that…comfort food.

I’ve had a lot of friends who’ve been having a hard time lately. Life gets you down, relationships don’t work out and sometimes work is too much. Sometimes life is too much. It’s hard to get out of bed, it’s hard to socialize, sometimes just existing has its issues…and its hard to rise above it.

“The Blues,” Depression, Anxiety, Seasonal Depression…whatever it is, sometimes there are moments where you are physically unable to “think positive,” which is the last thing that someone who is struggling with depression wants to hear.

(I heard it a few times growing up, and although they meant well, it didn’t really help.)

Sometimes I wish there was more you can do for someone.

I am very empathetic…and when I see someone suffering…I feel that pain along with them. When its depression, I know what its like to feel hopeless, I know the fear, the anxiety, the lack of social skills that goes a long with it.

And I wish I could throw a little comfort their way.

Tonight, I made some “comfort” of my own. I know you’re not supposed to eat your problems, but sometimes I home-cooked meal…is a reminder that love and comfort are just around the corner.

A good meal makes you feel safe. A good meal is something nice to share with someone. And even if you don’t want to talk, or share your problems, at least someone is there to lend an ear…if you need it.

So, what did I make?

Enchiladas! These I made with ground beef, corn tortillas, red enchilada sauce, chopped green chilies, onion and lots of sharp cheddar cheese.

I’ve never made them with beef before, but I’m very happy how they turned out. I got the recipe from The Pioneer Women, who is one of my favorites on food network. The real recipe calls for cilantro, but Mike doesn’t like it very much, so I left it out.

If you have someone who suffers, lend them an ear if they need it, cook them a meal, or hey – build them a nest.

Everyone wants someplace safe they can go to get away for a while.

And chocolate. Chocolate is nice, too. 😉

Hope everyone has a great night!

Saturday Musings: Loving Music and Living Life

September 5, 2015September 5, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

Today is a lazy day. Cleaning up the apartment a little bit, and I always have some kind of musical on while I’m doing this. Sometimes I just listen to music, but sometimes I want to take a break in between dishes and that’s what the movie is for. 😛 Yes, I know. I’m such a cheat, haha.

Today I watched/listened to Frozen and Moulin Rouge.

I guess the point of this post is I didn’t realize how much I use music on a day-to-day basis. I’m not a singer or performer, I’m a writer. I can sing, but not Idina Menzel singing…I did my time in high school choir.

But the thing I love about music is how freeing it is. I use it as a way to keep me grounded. It is my anxiety medicine when things are feeling too claustrophobic, it is my story inspiration, it is my background noise when the silence feels threatening.

When I am driving, the radio is always on; at work, when I listen to music on my mp3 player, I type faster.

Music makes my world go round.

It is so comforting to hear voices lifted up in song, to hear emotion and love put into words. And there are songs about everything. Love, angst, anger, hate, suffering…the list goes on and on.

Mike, (the other half) doesn’t listen to music like I do. Sure, he’ll watch a movie with a great soundtrack, and most of his video games have music of their own. But having the radio or pandora on all the time isn’t a requirement in his life, and I wonder why this is?

Why does music affect us so? Why do some people feel the need to lose themselves in the rhythm and crooning of a great pop song? And others don’t?

I guess the one reason I can think of is because even music has great writing, too. And a lot of good songs tell a story.

Right now, I’ve been currently obsessed with the group Pentatonix. They are an a capella group, who are very popular on youtube for their covers and rose to fame when they won the show the Sing Off. Anyway, group of talented individuals these ones, whose a capella arrangements bring me back to my choir days.

What do you guys think? Do you love music like I do? Any of your characters have their own theme song?

Happy Saturday everyone!

Terry Pratchett and Questioning Gender roles in Fantasy Literature

July 26, 2015July 30, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

I’ve been listening to Terry Pratchett’s The Slip of the Keyboard at work recently; it’s basically a collection of essays about his life, writing and his struggles with Alzheimer’s.

In one of his essays, he mentions how women are portrayed in fantasy. If there is a witch, she is generally evil and crouches around like an old hag, spitting curses at everyone. If she is beautiful, she is seductive, using her sexuality as a means to an end. (I think many Disney villains can be used as an example here: Ursula, Wicked Step Mother, Malificent, etc.)

On the opposite scale are the Wizards, who are male, wise, and that mentor that most protagonists seek out in times of great peril. Think Gandolf in Lord of the Rings, or Ged in A Wizard of Earthsea.

I guess my question is: Why is this so?

One of my own stories has a witch as its main villain, and I inadvertently made her beautiful, seductive and evil. I did this without thought, yet I’m wondering if this isn’t the time to mix it up a bit? Isn’t it time we had an evil wizard? Or a kind, yet sexy witch, who is not evil?

(J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books don’t really count in this musing, I suppose. As plenty of her witches are very nice, beautiful intelligent people. And Voldemort, a.k.a most evil wizard, ever.)

One thing I love about Terry Pratchett’s writing is that he doesn’t write characters that are predictable. Everyone (of the characters I’ve read so far) are unique and one of a kind. They don’t fit a basic formula, and they aren’t comfortable, which is completely fine. By comfortable, I mean you don’t always know what you can expect from them: one minute they might be performing an act of heroism, the next, you might question their sanity a bit.

The point: Terry Pratchett creates real characters that don’t fit into the formula of basic hero and that’s fine. (He also made the point that not all best-selling fantasy books are the best written either.)

This is something I agree with. But I guess what gets me is this whole idea of how women are portrayed in Fantasy. If she is a witch in some stories, why do we assume she is evil?

Do we automatically assign gender roles to specific aspects of fantasy? Do we like when witches are evil? Is the old hag expected to bring bad news? Or is this what we’ve just seen time after time, and so, we use examples of literature before us and think: ‘this the way it’s supposed to be.’

Or, if these gender roles are missing in the novel, does that automatically make it more unique than others? Just a thought.

What do you guys think? Any examples you can think of?

Poem: Freedom and the 4th

July 4, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

I kept thinking yesterday was Saturday because I had the day off, but today IS Saturday and it is also the 4th, and to me, that means family, freedom and fireworks! Oh, and hotdogs. I make sure I consume at least one hotdog around this time of year. Usually at a cook out. With pasta salads. And watermelon. And cupcake desserts.

Source: deviantart.com

Anyway, we wouldn’t be here celebrating the 4th, if it weren’t for the brave soldiers many years ago, who made that dream a reality.

Free our troops

Really free them

Each sacrifice is sacred

Each life is special

Don’t forget the lives

Our soldiers give up, but

Mostly: Pray they come home

Pray they come home safe!

I am eternally grateful to the men and women in service and the sacrifices that they have made and continue to make on a daily basis. Without them, we would not be here to celebrate the freedom we so desperately love on this independence day. Thank you all!

Happy July 4th everyone! 🙂

Fill in the Blank: What are these two looking at?

May 4, 2015 / Ajmorse / Leave a comment

I took this at work. The river runs right next to the building and here I found on my lunch break two male mallards sitting looking out towards the water.
It gets me thinking of two old man rocking on a front porch, passing the time away. Or maybe its two young men going: “where did all the females go? Do you see any of them, Henry?” (Because of course Henry is the perfect duck name :p)
Anywho, I thought it was amusing. Some pictures really are worth a thousand words. Comment with your own caption if you like!

An English Major’s Struggle To Find a Job

January 16, 2015 / Ajmorse / 2 Comments

I recently took a new job here, (go figure, right?)…something that has me typing information at a desk, not customer service, not worrying about sales pitch – did I get it right? Just plain old monotonous information, and type-type typing away.

And while this job was described to me as incredibly boring, I can’t but help be somewhat relieved. Left to my own thoughts, my own devices, I am more productive, less stressed and overall satisfied. Plus, I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. Is it sad how much this is a relief to me?

Ever since college I have been struggling finding my way or niche in this world…I watch friends of mine, graduates from the same college get jobs at corporations, in the classroom, or go on to pursue higher education at graduate school.

I am proud of them and their accomplishments, but where does that leave me? Taking a job in retail, in customer service, in collections…finding places that pay the big bucks with little need to think or grow? I don’t live in an area that offers an overwhelming amount of options, either. I feel like I have ruined my job experience…even the manager that recently interviewed me said he was worried about hiring me…”Your job history seems a little…scattered,” he said.

“Oh, I know,” I said, and then shrugged. What could I say?

“I missed the boat when it came to moving to Florida?”

“I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?”

Life is difficult and not always forgiving when it comes to pursuing your dreams and passions. I got an English degree, so everyone assumed that I wanted to be a teacher. I worked in customer service, so everyone assumed that I’m great on the phone, and love to help others. (I am great on the phone by the way. Former debt collector here, watch out!)

But what to do…what to do, when all of the world seems to be telling me that I am a failure? I took the jobs…because I needed the money. Not everyone has a savings or rich relatives. (Oh, but wouldn’t that be nice!)Since I was a young teen, the one thing that I consider myself great at is writing. This led to the thought: “I’ll be a writer.” Yet, with the pressure on to pay the bills…is such a desire a pipe dream? Or should I really just bite the bullet and go back to college…even though I don’t know what I want to study?

The questions are endless and the emotions boarding on that feeling of overwhelming sadness. I think the real answer to these questions are:

Do what makes you happy and don’t worry what everyone else thinks.

My head is grasping for the words of advice I’ve heard many times: “Don’t give up, you’ll get there.”

“Believe in yourself.”

“Never stop writing.”

“Don’t lose faith in yourself.”

Yet, they seem to be falling on deaf ears this afternoon, or falling in the cracks of heater and getting lodged there, (God knows little heat is getting out!).

The sun is peaking out of the clouds now, and the snow has finally stopped. For some reason Dory’s voice from Finding Nemo has snuck its way into my head:

“Just keep swimming…just keep swimming…What do we do? We swim!”

Hmm…I am a terrible swimmer, but I can keep going, no matter how difficult it is…

The truth of the matter is, I am not unhappy here, sitting at my desk in the sunshine, which is creeping through to land on the floor and the cheery, yellow walls of my office.

I can keep on swimming, and I can begin to stop listening to what others think…because only my opinion matters in this instance. Being a writer is my pipe dream, and that’s all that matters.

I can keep on swimming no matter the cost.

Poetry: I can write haiku, can you?

January 16, 2015January 16, 2015 / Ajmorse / 2 Comments

It’s snowing outside, tiny flakes coming down from the sky in all directions, swirling chaotically around cars and the pavement outside my window.

View from my office window.

Naturally this makes me want to write, of course. I don’t know what it is…maybe because it’s warm in our apartment, I woke up refreshed (finally) after a good nights sleep and I have the day off from work.

Maybe there’s something in the way that snowy sleepy days naturally put me in a thoughtful mood, and thoughtful moods generally lead to writing…if I were a painter, I’d paint the heck out of a glorious snowy day, but alas, the best brush I have, is the brush of words on blank, blank paper.

And of course, the last sentence I just wrote had me thinking about haiku poems. It’s been ages since I’ve written one…not since college three years ago. I found a refresher at this website, here.

(From the website:) The haiku is a Japanese verse in three lines. Line one has 5 syllables, line 2 has 7 syllables and line three has 5 syllables. Haiku is a mood poem and it doesn’t use any metaphors or similes.

View of the moon and snowy trees at my Grandma’s house, the evening of Thanksgiving.

I don’t usually think of myself as a poet. My advance poetry teacher in college said to me once, “You are definitely a fiction writer.” And that seemed to cement the idea in my brain. He didn’t mean to say that I was inept at poetry, just that eventually all writers make a choice, and I am a lover of stories and so naturally fiction was my style of choice.

But lately, I am constantly reminded by poetry why writing descriptive, lyrical words are so important. Why some fiction is just poetry in an extended form. In a single poem, an image is created in just a few words. I think poetry is a great way to remind fiction writers how important it is to show, not tell what is happening in the story, but to focus on the concise, and descriptive words.

Here’s some haiku of my own. Some silly, some serious, some not really haiku poems at all, but all poetry:

The bright yellow sun shines

through icicles hanging

on the windowsill

icicles remind

us to mind the cold weather

bundle up you beasts

dogs don’t like the snow

wagging their tails between gusts

shivering snow and wind

the snow swirls around the pavement

children walk by with parents

hands howling in their gloves

So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow…

(Just kidding! haha…can’t get this poem out of my head for some reason! For those that don’t know this is the start of a poem, “The Red Wheelbarrow,” by William Carlos Williams. I remember there were those that either loved it or hated it in my poetry class. There was a great debate that followed about it.)

And lastly, another haiku of my own:

The dead of winter

snow falls down on black pavement

eat lunch, eat sunlight

This has been a lot of fun for me this afternoon. Feel free to comment with your own, if you like!