Discipline and Writing

Been having a hard time sitting down and working on projects lately. Maybe its the warmer weather. Maybe it’s that good ol’ writers fear again; creeping in and telling me I’m not good enough, that I’ll never write anything worthy.

How horrible. How crippling.

I was thinking of something to write for a blog post this afternoon, and of course, I can’t think of it now. Figures.

dorymemeI thought a Dory meme was just perfect, considering that Finding Dory came out this weekend – which I really want to see!

I got to remember to just keep writing…to just keep at it. But how?

Discipline.

The mind kind of rebels at the thought of more rules, and such things as…discipline. We get enough of it at work. We get enough of it from society.

Always rules. Always things that we can’t do…or shouldn’t do. Always holding back, when really we want to shout at the top of our lungs: You are stupid. Enough, already!

(That last bit is mostly aimed at the political crap we’ve had to deal with, lately.)

But why do we have to have rules when it comes to writing, too?

Well, without discipline, I would never get anything done. I mean…I DON’T get anything done. And it takes a good deal of discipline to sit down at your desk even when there a million other things that you think you ought to be doing instead.

And I think at this point, it also comes down to your priorities. How does writing rank in your list of things that need to be done? Are you putting it off for other reasons? Writers fear? Self-doubt?

Sometimes I turn to other activities because I doubt myself, and approaching my desk is close to standing in front of a crowded room and delivering a speech. (Please excuse my wobbly knees.)

But enough already! I know I definitely need to work on setting a time for writing each day. No more Netflix for me. Maybe it means cutting out things in my life that I don’t exactly need. I know I scroll Facebook less and less now.

And especially…no more putting it off because of fear. Discipline, discipline, discipline!

What are your guys take on this? How do you get done what needs to be done?

Vacation in the Outer Banks, NC

I haven’t posted much for a few days, but I’ve been on vacation!

img_20160610_162157167.jpgThought I would post what I remember from the trip here since I have a terrible memory and want some kind of record of it.

***Be warned, this will be a long post!

(But don’t worry, there will be a lot of pictures, too, so you can always scroll down and just look at them. :P)

13453095_10154174176120610_1622201492_oDestination: Frisco, NC on Hatteras Island in the Outer Banks. (Cape Hatteras National Seashore!)

Length of Stay: 2 Nights. Leaving a few days for travel, etc. So…4 days.

I did not expect all the cornfields. There’s a lot of farm land driving on down from Virginia to the Outer banks, and its a great combination of rural landscape and the ocean in the background.

We arrived at Frisco Campgrounds in the afternoon on Friday, and the ranger, who’s grey-haired and a bit stooped and brown from the sun, hands us a campground map and says in that laid-back southern way:

“Well, here’s how it works: you go around and pick out two or three sites that look good to you and then you come back to me and tell me which one you want. Some look like they are empty, but they’re not, so you got to pay attention.”

13453479_10154174165540610_1034518977_oThe first site we picked out, I got stung by a hornet as soon as we went to move the picnic table. (Looks like they were building a nest, and we were not allowed to help!)

At the second, while setting up our tent, I stepped on one of the small cactus plants which were scattered amidst the grass and sand like prickly, evil minefields. Oh, and did I forget to mention the fire-ants? (although, they didn’t really bother us.) And the mosquitoes? And the wind that nearly blew our tent away the second night?

But despite mother nature getting the better of us, we were able to get our tent set up and got to see this view:

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img_20160612_091725798.jpgThe beaches were mostly empty as they were used primarily by the campground and there weren’t that many people staying that weekend.

img_20160610_171635529.jpgThis might also be due to the fact that the board walks used for access to the beach were flooded from the recent tropical storm. See all that water there in between the dunes and the shrub-like trees?

Yeah. That’s not supposed to be there.

img_20160610_171639339.jpgMost of the campsites had some pools of water tucked into the corner somewhere. In one campsite, the picnic table was surrounded by a nice lake of water, and one of the bathrooms and showers was also surrounded (this also added to the mosquito problems) but despite this, we still had a good time.

Imagine all the colors possible in mother nature…let them fill your mind and breathe them in and hold them close to your heart, like a feeling that you’ve stumbled upon an accidental paradise; and even though, it’s not perfect, it feels like it is because of the way the sights and the sounds and the smells assault your senses.

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Walking through it, the water was like the color of cherry juice with a hint of rusty-brown at the edges. But glancing out over the flooded land, the sky made it look the bluest of blues, as the grass and sea oats swayed in the breeze and the water rippled, caught by the wind.

Large, black tadpoles swirled around your ankles as you walked through the water on the boardwalk. There’s the gurgle and splash of the water as you step through and the sun is bright and makes everything sparkle.

At the end of the boardwalk there’s the climb through soft deep, warm sand to the top of the dunes, and then there’s the intake of breath and this view:

img_20160610_171705896.jpgNothing to see but ocean and no one around for miles, but for a few people. Here on the beach if you have ORV, feel free to drive them down by the water, which I thought was kind of neat.

For dinner that night we went to Dirty Dick’s Crab house (no lie, that was its name!) and got this platter for two:

13410720_10154174173440610_660206797_o(1)It was full of crab, shrimp, clams, potatoes and corn. So, so good!

That night it was star-gazing and listening to the chorus of frogs and insects hum and croak and drone through the campground…the noise was really quite impressive.

13467543_10154174166340610_1375642821_oThe next day, we climbed the lighthouse at Cape Point, and got these views:

13446092_10154174166020610_915295096_o 13445900_10154174165830610_11397569_oSee this water here in the above picture? Yeah, that’s not supposed to be there either…it was the campground we were first supposed to stay at, which got flooded from the storm.

13441739_10154174165900610_29198612_oMike, the other half was quite funny when he was taking these pictures…he had a hard time getting close to the railing as he was afraid of heights! Meanwhile, I’m hanging my head over the side like a loon, but I did get dizzy walking back down the swirly stairs.

13441863_10154174165780610_2062672348_oIt’s the tallest lighthouse in North America and pretty impressive.

I got all sorts of sun burnt that day, though, and that night we had problems with the wind blowing at our tent, so the next day it was packing and the drive back home.

We got stuck in traffic for a few hours on 95 coming through Virginia somewhere around Richmond. It was 100 degrees at some point, so thank God for AC!

On our way to find food and a bathroom in Williamsburg, VA, we accidentally drove through historical WIlliamsburg, which was a treat.

Passing through Maryland, we saw a car on fire on the side of the highway and then driving through Pennsylvania on 81, I got car-sick.

But I have to remember these little oddities and that’s what makes a vacation as special as it is sometimes:

13446312_10154174176320610_2080884460_o 13460763_10154174176370610_1774136575_oSeeing some of the annual kite festival as we were driving through Kitty Hawk on Friday.

13442010_10154174165530610_394978242_oThis adorable little deer which hung around our campsite for some time that last night, and only ran away because our tent flapping in the wind scared him.

img_20160610_182449115.jpgSea turtle nesting sites…

img_20160610_155745190.jpgWalking in the surf…

img_20160610_202107193.jpgAnd a good sunset to end a busy day.

I’m ready for our next beach time adventure! (I do have a new beach umbrella and kite to try out!)img_20160613_120439217.jpgI didn’t go too crazy on the souvenirs as we really didn’t have the money, but I did get me a new key-chain to add to my collection. And anyway, a picture is already worth a thousand words.

Now there’s the question:  Where to next?

Happy Writing!  (And Traveling!)

Trouble Finishing Projects?

Good Morning World!

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View of Cayuga lake on our most recent adventure. 🙂

This morning is bright and sunny and I am happy about that. I feel like we went straight into summer this year, with spring long forgotten in this eighty degree weather, but I am okay with that, too.

I was having a thought the other day…which ties in well to this blog post, really, as I never put those thoughts into action; never completed what I intended to…

Do you guys have trouble finishing a project like I do?

Seems like the more I get older, the more my mind is racing to the next thing; the next idea, the next book, the next writing project. I will spend a good portion of time working on one story, and then zip…its off to the next one.

Even when I read a book, I can’t seem to focus on just one. I’ll get halfway through something, and if it isn’t grabbing my attention like I want it to, I’m off to something else, and I’ll occasionally go back and forth between two books at the same time, which I never did before.

And why do I have like ten different writing projects, and can’t focus on just one?

Is there something wrong with me? Or do you think some people’s minds are happiest working on more than one thing at once…like those people who take a bite of everything on their plate and will finish a meal like that. I used to eat all my mashed potatoes at once!

Well, did a little googling to see if there are some answers to my ‘chronic procrastination’ as some people call it, and it comes down to this:

That same old writer’s fear.

Some people don’t finish things because they are afraid of the outcome. What if it isn’t perfect? How can it ever measure up to how I imagine it?

The way some people counteract this is that they encourage people to stop thinking so much. Hmm. Knock it off, self!

Quit trying to see the big picture, and think of the here and now. One step at a time. One chapter, one plot, one character at a time. Keep in mind that these components of a story are all adding up to something, but stop expecting it to happen over night, geez!

Will I ever stop doubting myself?

What do you guys think? Ever have trouble finishing things like me?

Happy Writing! (or in my case, procrastinating!)

A Year’s Worth of Books

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

Today is a quiet and lazy day. I am worn out from the last few days, and so I am relaxing in front of the fan in my office and thinking about what to write. I was able to have lunch today with a friend, and she gave me this little book where you can record the books you’ve read and what you think of them.

img_20160530_151420369.jpgIt reminded me of what I did last year around this time. In the post I listed all the books I was able to read in five months and what I thought of them. This time its been longer, though. This is really for my benefit, mostly, as I have a terrible memory.

What could I have possibly read in a year??

Here we go, and in no particular order…

Audio Books I’ve listened to:

American Sniper, by Chris Kyle

Call the Midwife, by Jennifer Worth

I Was Here, Gayle Forman

Matched, by Ally Condie

Beautiful Creatures, by Kami Garcia, Margaret Stohl

The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel: The Alchemyst, The Magician, The Sorceress, The Necromancer, by Michael Scott

The Maze Runner, The Scorch Trials, by James Dashner

The Color Magic, by Terry Pratchett

The Long Earth, The Long War, The Long Mars, by Terry Pratchett & Stephen Baxter

The House of Hades, by Rick Riordan

The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaiman

The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, by Elizabeth Gilbert

A Curious Mind: The Secret to a Bigger Life, by Brian Grazer

Whatever You Do, Don’t Run: True Tales of a Botswana Safari Guide, by Peter Allison

img_20160426_163707562_hdr.jpgAnd other books, not on audio:

The Raven King, by Maggie Stiefvater

The Iron Warrior, by Julie Kagawa

Winter, Fairest, by Marissa Meyer

Hmm…not a bad list, although its clear I need to read more books that aren’t on audio. I think its time to focus on reading some more adult fiction, non-fiction and science fiction and fantasy. And this doesn’t include the Harry Potter series that a listened to again this year on audio. (I think I have an obsession!)

What do you guys like to read? Read anything new recently?

Happy writing (and reading)!

The Liebster Award Nomination!

Thank you to Dainelle Hunter for nominating me for the Liebster Award! It means a lot to me that you thought of me. 🙂 I hope this gives readers more of an insight into my writing and what this blog is about.

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The rules are as follows:

1: Thank the blog who nominated you and link back to them.
2: Make a blog post telling 11 facts about you.
3: Answer the 11 questions from the blog who nominated you.
4: Prepare 11 questions for those you will nominate.
5: Nominate 11 new bloggers (those who have less than 200 followers) by commenting in one of their blog posts.

11 Facts About Me:

~My favorite TV Show of all time is Firefly. (FireflyThe fact that it only had one season is an atrocity.

~I only write with one with kind of pen. (Gel pen, black ink, pilot G-2 07.)

~I hate memes where the sentences are deliberately spelled wrong, drives me nuts! (Like: ‘he’s doin me a hurtin’….grrrraaggh)

~I like to write movie and TV show reviews.wpid-img_20140602_185717984.jpg

~I love libraries and books stores.

~I am a tea drinker, love tea.

~I love being outdoors; the trees, the quietness.

~I have an obsession with nicknames. A lot of my characters have nicknames. I think its interesting how people/characters are much more than the names they are given, and the ones they’ve grown into.

~I am a dog person. I like cats, too. But if I were to have one pet it’d be a golden retriever, lab, or a mix.

~My favorite color is now purple. (It used to be blue but my grandma passed recently and that was also her color.)

~I own about five different Star Wars t-shirts.

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Answering 11 Questions for being Nominated:

1. Why did you start blogging?

  • I started blogging to get myself to write an least something a day. I wasn’t writing anymore and it worried me. I would go weeks without writing anything. I started blogging just to get back into writing.

2. What do you love/ hate about blogging?

  • I love how freeing blogging is. It really is like writing in a diary, you can feel free to be yourself and that’s that.  I hate that I don’t have the time to write daily or more quality posts.

3.What is your philosophy?

  • I’d say…Live life to the fullest, no regrets.

4.What career are you pursuing/ What is your occupation and why?

  • I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Ideally a writer, who actually makes money. 😛 Right now I’m in data entry.

5.Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

  • Hopefully published! And working on other projects.

6.Who is your favorite fictional character?

  • I’ve always loved Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He is supposed to be the bad guy, but by the end of the show you can’t help but love him. He’s so pathetic and amusing.

7. What is your favorite movie?

  • I have a lot. Inception, Star Wars (of course), Princess Bride, Guardians of the Galaxy are probably the top faves though.

8.What is your favorite book/ quote?

  • I am a big fan of Maggie Steifvater. All of her words are great. But I really loved this one from The Dream Theives:

“There are three kinds of secrets. One is the sort everyone knows about, the sort you need at least two people for. One to keep it. One to never know. The second is a harder kind of secret: one you keep from yourself. Every day, thousands of confessions are kept from their would-be confessors, none of these people knowing that their never-admitted secrets all boil down to the same three words: I am afraid.”

9.  What is your zodiac sign?

  • Gemini.

10. What is your biggest fear?

  • Fear of failure is a big one for me.

11. Describe the strangest dream you’ve ever had.

  • I had a dream I was a dolphin once. I was leaping in and out of waves, it was so much fun and exhilarating…and then I woke up.

Questions for Nominees:

  1. What is your favorite book of all time?
  2. Why did you start blogging?
  3. What is your biggest fear?
  4. If you could have a super power, what would it be and why?
  5. What is your favorite kind of food?
  6. What is your favorite movie?
  7. What is your favorite thing to do during the Summer?
  8. What is your Zodiac sign?
  9. Do you believe in the supernatural? (Vampires, werewolves, ghosts?)
  10. Describe your strangest dream.
  11. What would you say is the best thing about you?

And that’s that! I can’t wait to read what you guys come up with!

Hope everyone has a great weekend! 🙂

Ever Tried an Excercise Ball for a Desk Chair?

Just wanted to give a shout out to Dainelle Hunter as a quick thank you for the Liebster Award Nomination! Will follow-up with a blog post this weekend when I’ll be able to take the time and write something clever for it. So look for that this Saturday!


img_20160525_185048557.jpgTonight I treated myself to a little shop therapy. I’ve been trying to get healthier this spring and summer, and along that line is being able to sit at my desk for longer periods at a time without being in agony.

After hurting my shoulder/upper back region at work, I’m always sore and achy after sitting down at a desk for eight hours everyday. And thus, I don’t want to sit at my desk at home and write. (Which is a big problem!)

img_20160525_185058155.jpgMy solution: an exercise ball! I didn’t realize until after doing some research, that some employers let you use an exercise ball at work instead of a chair. As the chances of me getting one at work are very unlikely, I thought I’d try it at home.

The idea is that the ball forces you to balance, thus automatically making you sit up straight which strengthens core muscles and your back, (which is everything that I need strengthened.)

It’s not easy to get used to sitting on a ball instead of a chair, so figured I would alternate between the two for a while until I get used to it.

What do you guys think? Ever tried this before?

Poem: Uninspired

Want to write a poem
And not sure what to say
Feeling uninspired
Exhausted from the day

Should I tell a story?
Should I make it sad?
Lies and disappointments
That’s all I ever had

At least for today with
Work and fewer smiles
Don’t do this you slaves!
Yeah, I’ll think on that awhile

Good to know I matter
I love to see the praise
Yeah and guess what?
Where’s my f**king raise?

Ah, but I digress
Not the point of this poem
Writing relieves the stress
With the comforts of home

So go forth and write!
Be lovely, fun and crazy!
(But don’t be like me,
I’m so f**king lazy!)

Bahaha…I miss rhyming, it’s so silly and fun! Hope everyone has a great night!

Happy writing!

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 3 & 4 Recap: What’s Going to Happen Next?

***Spoilers ahead! You have been warned!

Davis-Melisandre-Jon-Snow-Game-of-Thrones-Season-6

***All photo credits to HBO.

Are you as crazy about Game of Thrones as I am this season??

I can’t seem to get enough of it and repeatedly wish it came out all at once like the Netflix series do! Now wouldn’t that be just fantastic?! Anyway…

Episode 3, ‘Oathbreaker’ recap:

Jon Snow is rather shaken by his return from death. The red woman asks him, “What did you see?”

“Nothing,” Snow says, and he looks horrified. “There was nothing at all.” He hangs the people who murdered him, even young Olly, and then Jon hands his cloak over to Dolorous Edd and says, “My watch is ended!”

Sam and Gilly are taking a detour on their way to Old Town by way of Sam’s parents house. The Citadel doesn’t allow women (which is so freaking typical,) so Sam is hoping that his family will keep Gilly and baby Sam safe.

Bran+Three+Eyed+RavenIn Bran’s flashbacks with the Three-eyed raven, we see a younger Ned Stark try to save his sister in the Tower of Joy. There is a great battle, but Bran learns that what actually happened and what is told through history is actually quite different.

We hear a woman’s cry from the tower…was it Lyanna Stark in distress? Giving birth to Jon Snow?

Daenerys is predictably taken to Vaes Dothrak, Tyrion tries to engage Grey Worm and Missandei in conversation, and Varys discovers that Volantis, Yunkai and Astapor are all backing the Sons of the Harpy.

From Maester Qyburn, we learn that Varys’ little birds are really children bribed with sweets in return for secrets. Jaime and Cersei crash a high council meeting, which doesn’t really go as planned. And in Braavos, Arya finally gets her eyes back after she beats the waif in a fight.

Meanwhile in Winterfell, Lord Umber has a gift for Ramsay Bolton: Osha and Rickon Stark.

(I find it’s nearly impossibly to write a small recap for Game of Thrones, there are so many freaking story-lines!)

sansaEpisode 4, ‘Book of the Stranger’ recap:

Jon Snow and Sansa stark reunite! Sansa, Brienne and Pod arrive at castle black and there is a bit of amusement when Tormund makes eyes at Lady Brienne. After receiving a threatening letter from Ramsay, Sansa convinces Jon that they must fight for Winterfell and take it back.

In the Vale, Littlefinger convinces Lord Robyn Arryn to help Sansa take back Winterfell and defeat the Boltons. We never truly know what Littlefinger is up to…but its becoming more clear how much these ‘lesser’ type characters are really the ones pulling the strings.

Queen Margaery is rewarded by the High Sparrow and is allowed to see her brother. The High Sparrow tells Margaery about his past. For a man who claims to want nothing, why does he have so much power?

In Meereen, Tyrion has a meeting with the leaders of the other cities and suggests some new terms:  they have seven years to get rid of slavery. Missandei and Grey Worm disagree with these terms and believe that the slavers will just take advantage of them all.

Cersei, Jaime and Olenna Tyrell form an alliance and agree that the High Sparrow must be taken down. Theon Greyjoy reaches the Iron Islands and wants to support Yara in being leader, and in Winterfell, Osha is killed by Ramsay Bolton.

danyMeanwhile, Daario and Jorah have reached Vaes Dothrak and Daario teases Jorah for being old and says that the old man could never handle the dragon in bed. He also discovers that Jorah has greyscale.

Daenerys meets with the council of Dothraki Khals, who will decide what to do with her  since she did not go to Vaes Dothhrak after Drogo’s death. Dany tells them that she would make a better Khal than all of them. “You are not going to serve,” she says, “You are going to die.” She dumps the fire pits on them all and the temple goes up in flames.

Dany emerges from the flames and over one-hundred thousand Dothraki all bow to the mother of dragons.

wwndrqmze6jjucq4jtl8mrthcatfyt2y-largeBut what’s going to happen next?

I’ve heard it mention a few times: last week was definitely an episode of Fire and Ice.

Both very important characters to this world made some very game-changing decisions. Daenerys now has one-hundred thousand Dothraki willing to obey her every command, and Jon Snow is taking the next step to becoming Warden of the North, and a possible threat to the Iron Throne.

Well, what does that mean for everyone else?

It’s becoming clear that the future of Westeros is never going to be the same. There’s a new game afoot and characters that were once at the head of the throne, are now falling to the wayside. (Aka, the Lannisters.)

Also, according to the brief glimpse of the white walkers we got in this week’s preview, Winter is definitely coming. The white walkers are coming and iron throne or not, the rest of this world is going to suffer for it.

What do you guys think is going to happen in tonight’s episode?

Game of Thrones Season 6, Episode 2 Recap: What’s Going to Happen Next?

****Spoilers ahead!! And fan theories…venture at your own risk!!

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**All photo credits to HBO.

Well, I kind of missed the boat last week. Hey, life happens people. Here’s a brief recap off the top of my head:

Jon Snow Lives!

Whew. Glad I got that one off my chest. The Night’s Watch leader is alive and well, thanks to the magic of Melisandre, although she experiences doubts in herself. Luckily Davos is there to give her some encouragement.

We finally get to see Bran Stark as well. He is north of the wall with the Three-eyed Raven, and Meera, Jojen’s sister. The three-eyed raven is giving Bran a very interesting glimpse of the past. We see Ned Stark as a boy, and his fellow siblings: Benjen Stark, and Lyanna. Coincidence that Bran remarks that his father never talked about his sister? (I think NOT!)

GoT_Zuhause_Lyanna_Stark_Bran_Stark_Krähe_EddardWe also learn that Hodor used to be called Willis, and he was a stable boy just as chatty and normal as everyone else.

Meanwhile in the present, Sansa Stark is with Brienne and Pod. Theon Greyjoy decides not to go north with them and take the black as Sansa suggests, where everything of his past will be forgiven; Theon doesn’t think he deserves forgiveness and says that he is going home.

In the Iron Islands, Balon Greyjoy is killed by his brother, and Yara, who expects to be named King, will now have to stand and defend herself in a Kingsmoot; a meeting where the people of the Iron Islands decide who gets to be the next leader.

tyrion dragonsTyrion has a very heart-stopping moment with Dany’s dragons in the pyramids of Meereen. He tells the intelligent dragons how much he wanted a dragon as a kid, and how magnificent he thinks they are and they seem to listen. They allow him to free them from their chains.

In Winterfell, Ramsay kills his father Roose Bolton, because his claim to the north is threatened with the birth of his new baby half-brother. In a rather horrific moment, he feeds his step-mother and newborn brother to his dogs.

But what will happen next in tonight’s episode?

I don’t think its a coincidence that we are getting a glimpse of the past from Bran’s new-found abilities. There is a theory bouncing around the internet that Lyanna Stark is really the mother of Jon Snow, because of her relationship with Rhaegar Targaryen, (whether through rape or love, it’s never clear in the books!)

It is thought that the reason Ned Stark doesn’t talk about his sister very much is because of the secret he holds about Jon’s true parentage. The secret could change everything we think might happen or could happen in Westoros.

Will we get more glimpses of the past that points to this theory in tonight’s episode? I think so! Maybe even the birth of Jon Snow! (Although, I think the writers might draw it out a bit more and make us suffer.)

john-snow-512x512What’s next for Jon Snow?

Well, his oath to the Night’s Watch is fulfilled. He died, and he doesn’t have to stay at the wall if he doesn’t want to. Kit Harrington even noted in an interview that death has changed his character. Jon Snow is frightened of death now. We might see a more cautious and calculating Jon Snow from now on.

Will Jon Snow kill Ramsay Bolton? (God, let’s hope so!)

As for everyone else?

Who cares! (No, I’m just kidding.) But…I am very much swept up in the Jon Snow story-line. I can’t help myself.

Arya’s on her way to becoming a bad-ass assassin of course. I think the moment she finally becomes No One, is the moment she will get recognized as Arya Stark. I think her final moments in this series are going to be rather poignant.

And whatever happened to Hodor has something to do with what happened to Lyanna Stark. I think it is very important to the story line. Maybe when Rhaegar kidnaps her? Seduces her? Who Knows!

But these are just theories of course! What do you guys think?

What do you think is going to happen in tonight’s episode?

Happy Mother’s Day, Grandma…I Miss You

I’ve been sitting here for the last half an hour on Wikipedia reading about Reba McEntire, about her recent divorce, her relationship with Kelly Clarkson, and the plot to Reba’s show, Malibu Country, which got cancelled about three years ago.

I haven’t suddenly become obsessed with Reba McEntire, (although I’ve always liked country music,) I’m stalling.

grandma roseA year ago today, May 8th, we lost someone special to us in our family. My grandmother, Dorothy, passed away from cancer. Today is Mother’s Day, but I’ll never get to say hello to her again.

Which is why…the stalling. I know I want to write something to honor her, but I don’t know where to begin. With all the poems I wrote about her in the past year? With our last conversation? The words of Reba McEntire’s song, “What Do You Say” keeps repeating itself in my head.

What do you say in a moment like this? When you can’t find the words to tell it like it is?”

My heart breaks a little. What do you say?

Dear Grandma,

I miss you.

Love, Amanda

There really isn’t much more to say. I said it all before in the poems I wrote for her: For Grandma, Not Goodbye, Baseball Memories, Up and Up, and Big Picture.

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My sister, Anna, me and Grandma in the back seat of the car on some road trip, over ten years ago; laughing and being goofy.

P.S.  I remember the last time we spoke, Grandma, I made you laugh. I told you something that Lilly had said, and I made you laugh. You were in pain, but my last moment with you…I made you laugh. One day, I’ll type out that conversation. I’ll put it in a memoir and tell everyone how much your house smelled like you, how it felt so quiet, and cold with you down for the count, and everyone wondering, “Is it time?”

But no, one spring afternoon at the end of April, while you were lying on the couch, too weak to get up, I made you laugh. And it warms my heart like nothing else.

I love you, Grandma.  Happy Mother’s Day.