NaNowriMo Update, Days 16-30: There’s a Silver Lining to Everything

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

I meant to get this post out a few days ago, but I haven’t felt very motivated lately, and sometimes when it comes to it, life tends to get in the way a lot of times.

This is what I go going on tonight. Ohhh, yeaah...

This is what I got going on tonight. Ohhh, yeaah…

I am a lucky gal tonight though; “Mike,” the other half, is cooking us our Thanksgiving dinner…it pays to wait until after the holiday when Turkeys are on sale!  (Plus, we weren’t really home on Thanksgiving anyway as a few of our relatives had delicious dinners that gave me a serious food-baby…eek…I totally didn’t have to eat for like two days after.)

Anyway, that’s my life tonight, back to the NaNoWriMo life, which…didn’t go as planned, of course.

Final Word count: 8,380

I cringe a little bit when I admit this…maybe I should fudge it and say yes, I typed 49,999 words, but I didn’t. And I’m not really a great liar anyway.

I don’t really understand what happened, to be honest. I didn’t mean to give up, I guess I got frustrated with my story and stuck. I realized that I definitely should have done some more world-building, and my characters seemed underdeveloped.

But then I tell myself, well yes, of course, it is a rough draft, and the whole point is development. Which brings me to the other thing.

I realized I have a tendency to hold back when it comes to my writing. Instead of writing out that fluff, stretching that idea, going there, I pull back and seem to think: well, what if it turns out awful? What if it really IS as corny as it sounds?

It’s that same old Writer’s Fear again, and it is crippling me. Every year because of the winter blues I do go through a period where I feel uninspired, but it’s not just that. I want my voice back, that writing environment where I was open and free to say what I want and to learn what I can. This is definitely also why I think an MFA degree would be beneficial to me.

Anyway, I don’t want to be completely bummed about this recent failure. Not everyone is successful at NaNoWriMo, and it definitely has taught me some new things this time around.

First things first: It’s okay that you don’t know where the story is going to go.

That’s really the whole point of a first draft, really. To explore, figure out what works and what doesn’t.

Creating some kind of outline is beneficial. Especially for NaNoWriMo. It’s great to have a set plan when you plan to write a lot in a short period of time. Then you don’t waste time wondering what the heck you are supposed to be doing next, and why isn’t this character doing what he/she is told?!

Writing is supposed to be fun. Sometimes it is difficult to remember that when it starts to feel like a chore. I will have to find new ways to motivate myself. Perks, snacks, music. I have Pandora on ALL the time. Music is a great inspiration.

And, Don’t be afraid to write what you want. Write from the heart. Write that fluff, that cheesy, cliché, Oh-my-God-he-gasped-in-surprise type of writing.

Write what makes you happy and then build from there. There’s that expression: dance like nobody’s watching. I need to write like nobody is watching, or potentially reading. In the end, it is MY story. I can make it how I want it to be.

Well, that’s it for me. I am going to go and try to write that fluff I was talking about. Odd how writing is really a reflection of the person behind the helm. My whole life I’ve struggled with self-worth and feeling good enough for myself. So, naturally, it would make sense that I would have problems with that in my writing, too.

But, I am a strong, confident, business/writing women, and I can go and conquer the world! (If I so desire).

Hope everyone is having a great night! Happy Writing!

Poem: Hold/These Arms

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

This was meant to be something else entirely. I’ve been watching some of Bindi Irwin’s dance routines from dancing with the stars. I don’t normally watch the show, but I’ve been cheering her on from the beginning. She’s such a wonderfully positive person, and I guess I was inspired by her.

Hold/These Arms

These are my arms
Every freckle, every scar
The heel of my hand
Bony, creased and wrinkled
These hands have been
Sanded down by desktops.
See the blue veins,
The purple, the red
Several tiny waterfalls
Sliding down
The pulse of my wrist

Further down
And inside
The skin is pale
A flick of the wrist
Some hair
And more freckles
These ones burned on
By the sun

These arms are thin
And always moving
Weakened by heavy loads,
Low blood sugar
And the flu.

Hold a candle to them
They burn
Hold a lamp
And the skin lightens
But put them up
Against life’s little troubles:
A broken down car, a
Sickness, a work drama

And show me someone
Who is suffering
And these arms will fold,
Beat back
and hold up the world
So they can rise above it

NaNoWriMo Update, Days 10-16: Keep Writing and Work the Problem

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

Word Count: 7,132

Does any of that word count make sense? Not a clue.

Will I make my goal of 50,000 words by the end of the month? Probably not.

Did I learn something about my story, myself, and my characters? Yes I did!

spy8Working the problem…

About 5,000 words in, I ran into a snag. My characters were bored. I was bored, this was not the direction that I wanted to go in. So I did something odd, I jumped back to the beginning. I changed a POV, and then suddenly: viola! I’ve got a snarky character, a new perspective, and the idea that my story really is going somewhere…I just go lost somewhere along the way.

Even though something wasn’t going my way, I found that it doesn’t solve anything if you give up. Instead, you work the problem. You ask yourself questions:

  • What can I do differently?
  • What don’t I like here?
  • What can I change?
  • Is it the character?

Remember to ask yourself positive questions, and not place blame. It sounds odd, (and I learned this from a friend,) but if you ask yourself questions that are positively phrased like: what can I do differently? Instead of: what did I do wrong? It tends to work a lot better.

Don’t wallow in failure, be your own positive motivator when you work the problem!

Another thing that I found helpful when I found myself stuck and not sure where to go: I started writing from a different area of the story. Sometimes if you are writing in the beginning of the story, and something isn’t working out your way, skip to the middle.

Who said that a writer had to write all their scenes in consecutive order? Sometimes a change of the writer’s  perspective is all you need to get your story where it needs to go. It might help you see the bigger picture.

Also, lastly, and the most important thing: Keep Writing!

Even though sometimes the going gets tough, I’ll never be able to perfect my work, if I don’t keep working at the rough drafts to get me there.

(Even J.K. Rowling didn’t write her final draft for Harry Potter from the get go.) 😛

Eh, I suppose I better stop yammering, and get back to working. Hope everyone has a great week! Happy Writing!

What Happened to Thanksgiving?

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

1221122319I might sound like a major Grinch in this post, but I’m not going to apologize.

Christmas is coming, no, its steamrolling its way here faster than I’d like, and it’s sprinted past Thanksgiving and is on its way to Christmas in July…which will probably get here faster than Thanksgiving.

And Turkey day is merely two weeks away…just saying.

I’ve been out and about the last couple of days doing errands, and I’ve been noticing more and more red and green than I have before. Christmas may not be my favorite holiday, but usually I like to get into the Christmas spirit after Thanksgiving. Not before. Not during.

My less than jolly mood could be contributed to my three years spent working retail, and the Christmas music that some stores shove down your throats the day after Halloween.

We also lost my grandma this year, and it just doesn’t feel like there should be a holiday at all, but I definitely don’t want to see Christmas trees and fake snowmen out before I’m ready.

I guess when it comes down to it, the holidays mean something different for each and every one of us. For those who have lost loved ones, it can be a difficult time. Most of the time I get annoyed because of how commercialized Christmas has become. It is all about the money and stores are even opening Thanksgiving night, instead of early black Friday morning.

I feel just like Charlie Brown on A Charlie Brown Christmas. What ever happened to the true meaning of Christmas? To spending time with friends and family and loved ones?

To realize that Christmas is about the joy of spending time together and giving and love.

Maybe it doesn’t feel like Christmas this year because the only thing I want for Christmas is the one thing I can’t have: to spend one more Christmas with my Grandma. To hear her laugh again, to get wrapping paper thrown at my head.

Well, I didn’t mean to get all sentimental on you guys, but I am doing everything I can to find some joy in Christmas this year, and it just isn’t happening.

And it certainly doesn’t help when the outside world is telling us too soon that you better be ready:  Christmas is coming!!

Where do you find the joy in the holidays?

I’ve decided that I’m going to try to make most of my presents this year, but I think I might also do some online shopping. I’ve had enough of stores already!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

NaNoWriMo Days 7, 8 & 9: Now I Know Why Some Writers Use Outlines

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

Word Count: 6,005

Saturday was not as productive as it should have been. Sunday, I managed to write about 2,000 words, but most of those words are garbage, and I’ll say it again: now I know why some writers use outlines.

I usually write some kind of  rough outline, but sometimes it doesn’t really help me either. If I can’t see the scene I am writing…an outline becomes pointless.

My story is rapidly on its way to going no where…I imagine this is the natural order of things. You write, you change direction, you realize suddenly that the twenty pages that you just spent the last two hours on, perhaps isn’t the right way to go with the story.

And then you begin again.

Wow. Can I just throw this out there: I do not like this.

Seeing the crap that I’ve written makes me doubt myself and suddenly I think my whole story is one big cliche, and who would read this anyway, unless I were to add some kind of steamy sex scenes?

Okay, no sex scenes. At least…not here. Yet. Who Knows. But still…how do you guys move on from the crap, and get to writing the good stuff?

Such a common misconception among writers: One, that everyone automatically knows how to write a novel, and two, it’s going to be awesome from the first draft because of course, its supposed to be.

No.

Just…

No.

Part of me is embarrassed to admit that I don’t really know what the hell that I’m doing, and then a part of me finds comfort in the fact that Stephen King said that most writers don’t know…and I guess isn’t that the magic of it all?

That we all (eventually I hope) find a process and a way of writing that works best for each of us?

I can only take this as a learning experience, and move on from it.

I said last night to Mike: “What would J.K. Rowling do? How would she write it?” (More often than not that’s become my mantra).

And then he said something to me that made more sense than anything he’s said before to me when it comes to writing: “He said no, babe, how would YOU write it?”

I thought about, and there’s no tension in my story between the characters.

I’ve made the mistake of putting two strangers together, and suddenly they are getting along like they are best friends. Or best acquaintances. What the heck?

Ah, you live and you learn. Now, time to make some people angry! Rah!

How about you guys? Any road blocks along the way?

Happy Writing!

NaNoWriMo Days 4, 5 & 6: Uh, Still Writing?

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

Word Count: 4,107

Well…totally dropped the ball on my last post. Last night was supposed to be a lovely update with how fantastic I’m doing, and well…life happens sometimes.

It’s difficult balancing writing, work, and other chores that most of us don’t like doing but needs to be done…(laundry, dishes, etc.) Last night was one big trip to the laundromat which was good, because clean clothes are nice…buut, it doesn’t always leave time to do writing, which is bad.

I find that my core time for writing is at night-time, but I work early in the morning, and well…6am comes very fast sometimes. Ugh, Work.

Work.

Which, was awful. As far as Fridays go…yuck! I could practically see the tire marks of everyone’s cars as we pealed out of that parking garage…now I get why people always drive crazy on Fridays. I wonder if people who hate their jobs on top of having a bad day, actually pull their hair out? Like big clumps? Seriously, people. I just want to forget that today happened. At all.

io

Tonight was nice, though. Mike made dinner and we watched Inside Out which I just had to buy the other day. I love this movie. Hmm, maybe I’ll write-up a review of that tomorrow…

Anyway, the point is: Life

How do you manage to juggle work, family, friends, social time and writing? I think I read somewhere that in order to be completely successful in one aspect of your life, you have to give up another. Like someone who becomes work-obsessed…might let social time with friends fall to the way-side.

But, I’m like Joy on Inside Out, who doesn’t want Riley’s memories to fade, I don’t want any aspect of my life to fade. Heck, I could give up housework. I’d be happy with that. Buut, having clean dishes is important, too.

I guess the idea is to sort out your priorities. I think I could give up TV more, and Facebook time. I love keeping up with old college buddies and family on there, but once a day check-up is all I should really need for the time being.

And Youtube…sometimes (too many times), productive hours are taken when the YouTube vidoes suck you in. I know I can gain more time by giving up that.

Hmm…it sure is difficult working on writing when you work full-time hours, and I am forever in awe of those who’ve managed to write a best seller on their down time after work.

More often than not, I feel like sadness, who has that kind of energy?

But, there is a silver lining here, too. I’ve got the weekend! And I look forward to catching up on my writing tomorrow after some rest and relaxation. Oh, sleep would definitely be nice!

Anyway else always feel so drained when Friday comes around? I think its possible I need more Vitamin D and C, and B, and H and L…and yeah. Everything. Back to that grindstone…

How do you guys make time for writing?

Happy Writing everyone!

NaNoWriMo Day 2 & 3: How do you write plot again?

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

Word count: 2046

Any part of that actually worth keeping?  I have no idea.

What gets me, is that when most people set out to write a story, one might assume that they automatically know how to do it. That writing great characters, and planning a plot, and have that story actually go somewhere – all comes naturally.

It does not.

For some it might, sure. But not me. It’s taken me a while to realize (or maybe admit) that it is one of my weakest points in creating a story. Plot.

Plot. Plot. Plot.

If I have trouble visualizing it, I have trouble writing it and you can’t always visualize something that you aren’t sure is supposed to happen.

I’ve had some great advice from a writing friend in the last couple of days. She advises that I try to think of some things that I want to happen, and then piece together the main events, almost like following a trail of the story.

This is a nice bit of visual helpfulness, but I also learned from Sunday night’s writing that sometimes just writing it out, certainly lets me know what works and doesn’t work.

Everyone has their own path to follow when it comes to discovering what works for them, and no way is the wrong way. According to Stephen King’s On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, he supposes that no writer truly knows what they are doing. He has some excellent advice to writers, which I probably will refer to in the next couple of days.

It might take a while to figure out what works best for you…I know it has for me.

Now, while my word count is not where I want it to be on this third night of NaNoWriMo, (I missed Monday night) I best get to work and try to get out what I can.

I’m not quite sure where my story is going to go in the next several pages, but maybe right now….that is the beauty in it for me. I might discover something fantastic.

Other writers do plots, they make outlines with fancy bullet holes. While I might do this to some extent, I think this method of just going for it (especially when this is my true attempt at NaNoWriMo) is what I should do from here on out. It’ll definitely teach me what to do, and what not do to. And what works best for me.

What about you guys? What method works best for you? Are you a visual writer, like me?

Happy Writing!

NaNoWriMo Day 1: My Story and More Planning

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

It is 8:35 p.m. on this Nov. the 1st.  My word count is: 703 , and I’ve managed to do some story planning and plotting in the last two hours and a half.

I’ve also managed to create a NaNoWriMo account, which I haven’t done in several years. Not since the early college days.

I don’t remember how to do anything on the website anymore, so setting up my account, my profile info, and my novel info, took a good thirty minutes and now I’m left here wondering: how do you add buddies again?

Speaking of which…if you guys are participating in NaNoWriMo this year, my username is amandagrey1 the same on here, so add me if you want!

It’s important that us writing people stick together. Especially me. Considering how long it took me just to get online to create an account. I am such a terrible procrastinator…

Give me a goal to make and a deadline, and suddenly I find all the excuses in the world to do everything else. It’s not like I don’t want to create my story, I guess when it comes down to it, it is always the fear of the expectations.

I don’t like creating things that are bad. I don’t like the idea of failing…on anything, really. So, once again…its that same old writer’s fear…

But the point is, I’m sitting down to do something now and that’s better than nothing.

Just a cute dragon pic I colored the other day. Thought it might give me some kind of inspiration for my story.

Just a cute dragon pic I colored the other day. Thought it might give me some kind of inspiration for my story.

My story is a young adult fantasy novel about a young prince, whose royal family has the ability to change into dragons. For years, the dragons and the witches and wizards of the country have been at odds with each other. Years ago, the witches and wizards were banished from the kingdom and magic was forbidden. But all that is about to change.

I left my description on my NaNo account deliberately vague, and I’m leaving it vague here as well, because, one, I’m still working out the kinks and, two, I’m very protective of my original ideas.

I guess I’m just slightly paranoid when it comes to that. Especially considering how many different ideas there are out there. Everyone hopes that their idea is original, and who knows…maybe mine is. I guess I’m just paranoid. Plus, its kind of hard to explain a novel that you’re still working out.

Anyway, back to the grindstone, and maybe I can churn out more words on the page in the next half an hour or so. I’m so proud of myself! Perhaps locking myself in my office was a good idea after-all…

Everyone having a great first day of NaNoWriMo?

Happy Writing!

Are you Going to NaNoWriMo?

/ Ajmorse / 11 Comments

Hey, guys. October is almost over…God, where did the days go? I am sick with some kind of head-cold-flu-achiness thing, and I just realized today that there are only two more days, (not counting tonight) till November!

Okay, well, I guess November isn’t that exciting…ladies: are we ready for no-shave November? Do any women really want to see their men that hairy? I mean, honestly…but back to NaNoWriMo.

indexI have a friend who has been diligently planning and brainstorming her plot for NaNoWriMo. She has her characters, she has key scenes, she has everything figured out to start writing on Sunday. And I couldn’t be more proud of her.

And I’ve got…nothing.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t give NaNoWriMo another shot this year. At any rate, it might be a nice chance for me to get a rough draft out for one of the many stories that I have yet to finish. But then I look at my story, at the characters, and the back story, and the history and I find there is still so much to do.

How did J.K. Rowling do it? I look to her as an example. All of that planning, all of the information that she knew about her characters and only about twenty percent of that got down on the page. You need to know your characters one-hundred percent. I used to laugh when I heard authors say their characters become like their children, but I guess it’s because I never really understood.

I get overwhelmed, the fear creeps in, and suddenly ten pages a day seems useless when it’s all going to be garbage anyway. I sometimes wonder, did J.K. Rowling ever struggle with writer’s doubt like I do?

I guess I have to keep reminding myself that no one is perfect from the get go, and you have to allow yourself to write crappy, to make mistakes, to take that leap. No fear.

No fear.

I had a manager who insisted that was her motto. To be honest, she drove me nuts, (she was such a control freak), but I think of her words now. I was in debt collecting, and you often dealt with customers that were less than pleasant. She would tell us to go into a call with no fear, to take control.

I think that same motto can apply for me here. I need to approach everyday in NaNoWriMo with no fear and remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It did take time for J.K. Rowling to develop her Harry Potter world. It wasn’t done in a month, and anything that I come out with at the end of November won’t be my next bestseller.

But it will be something.

And that’s definitely more than I have now.

Oh, and it’s supposed to be fun. Remember fun?

So self, don’t look at it as a chore. Look it as a way to kick some story-telling ass, and maybe just tackle that fear and self-doubt that’s been stalking me.

Who has time for self-doubt, anyway, when there are only thirty days in November?

Anyone out there doing NaNoWriMo this year? Have you done anything to prepare for it?

Happy Writing!

Slow Sunday, Bad Dreams and Rising Above it

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

Meh. It’s a crappy day outside here in upstate, New York. The sky is gray, kind of damp and windy and fall colors seem to be bleeding away into this disgusting looking reddish/brown and I am having a terrible time waking up this Sunday afternoon.

I thought about doing some cleaning and then shopping…but meh, I think I’ll just sit here in front of my light box and write. Woe is to me.

For someone who gets seasonal depression every single year, you’d think I would learn by now, right? Was rather weeping/down these past couple of days…didn’t realize it until I watched a sad video on youtube a few days ago, (I mean, not very sad,) and starting crying because of it.

Some great colors still - I snapped at my parent's house this weekend.

Snapped this at my parent’s house this weekend. Perhaps all the trees aren’t past their prime, yet.

Then, off to the light box – and I had a great Friday and Saturday with one of my friends: we had a girl’s night, ate pizza and watched The Age of Adeline, which I loved, and then had lunch with my sister and niece on Saturday.

Everyone needs a little soul food; and then a lovely Saturday night spent with Mike and I’m happy. Like, very happy. Back to normal. Summer Amanda. Woo.

Then…this morning’s dream.

My Grandma passed away this Spring, and its becoming clear to me now that the holidays are rapidly approaching and grandma is not going to be there this year to celebrate it with us. I know I knew this at the time it happened, but it’s not really sinking in until now.

I had a dream it was Thanksgiving at grandma’s house. I saw all this wonderful food set out in the kitchen and then for some reason, I decided to go take a nap. I fell asleep and no one woke me up to tell me that dinner was ready, and I came out to the kitchen and all the food was gone. There were some sickeningly sweet pudding and jello desserts left, but no cheese and crackers. No turkey, no mashed potatoes. Grandma was there in the kitchen with everyone, and they all exchanged looks with everyone as I slammed things down and brushed things aside, angry and confused that this had happened to me.

And then grandma steps up and smiles to me, and offers me something (I think it’s an apple,) and jokes and says something funny and tries to reassure me that everything’s okay, but it’s not. I rudely brush past her and run through her house to her guest bedroom, which is just off of the living room in the back of the house.

Suddenly, I’m sobbing into the bed because I know its Thanksgiving and grandma is not there anymore. She’s never going to be, and even if the food is all gone, the pain of her absence is more infuriating, hurts worse, more than the pain an empty stomach could ever be.

I woke up with tears dried on my face, and itchy eyes. And I have tears in my eyes now. What is the matter with me?

Thank you subconscious…For allowing me to remember. As if I could forget?

Grief makes you feel so lonely. Depression, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and have a do over. Maybe this time I would dream about meeting J.K. Rowling like I did last Saturday?

Time to get motivated. Time to remember that I’m not alone in this…that many, MANY others suffer from depression and need help, too. I think the best thing to do right now is make sure that I have an outlet…sometimes there is no lonelier a place than your own head space. (Hah! I made a rhyme!)

Okay, enough of that. I had this song stuck in my head today. (I recently discovered Pentatonix On My Way home documentary on Netflix, too!)

Their sound always seems to cheer me up. MUSIC cheers me up. Writing is always a great comfort to me as well.

What do you guys do to brighten up the day?

Happy Writing!