she is crying
her nails are too short
chewed down to the quick
she sobs
it’s hard to stay in the lines
it’s okay, we say
stop crying
when we should be singing
you’re beautiful
even beauty has
it’s unclean edges
we think we reassure her
but really
we wave her feelings aside
like a bad smell
we don’t have time for
it’s okay
stop crying
my heart breaks
thinking of it
when she’s grown
how often will she think
her feelings don’t matter
on campus
walking through a crowd of people
I still feel like that same nerdy girl
who didn’t know how to talk to ppl
who felt lost on the way to class
who couldn’t just be. normal.
except
I pay my own bills now
I’ve seen the Grand Canyon
and I’ve had sex
does it matter that I’m an adult
and was back then, too
but I still feel seventeen
who actually feels their age?
the president?
hah.
It’s amazing how a cafeteria smell
Will instantly take you back
The way it smells like broccoli cheddar soup. Like cheese but with a funk
Only 20 seconds
And the anxiety flashes back
High school anxiety. And middle school anxiety.
Standing in line forever to get food
If you kept your head down, the kids that were lewd, that were cruel, left you alone, rushing to eat
Difficult to swallow when your heart is pounding
Choking down chicken and gravy
That sticks to your throat like plaster
Or a doughy pizza that’s okay. Thank God for Pepperoni
Then you got the years Michelle Obama tried to make us eat healthy, and everything palatable (fries and cookies) were taken away and replaced my wheat rolls that looked and tasted like cardboard
What will we eat now?
It was okay with friends
It was safe there
Laughing and creating together
But on my own, I felt anxiety about a crowd
A teenage boy loves an easy mark
Especially someone so gullible
Innocent, naive, and unaware of the world
A 16 year old should have been more aware
Should have been not so afraid
I didn’t know how to be
Every day was fight or flight
And mom would be instantly there. To make it all better
A. J. Morse 