Doing a bit of spring cleaning on the blog tonight. I realized a few days ago, how much different my blog is now from when I started out.
It seemed to take a while for me to find my niche, and then when I finally realized I was being silly and over-complicating matters, I am happy that I can finally pin down what I want from this blog and what to look for here.
I am a writer, so why not write about what that means to me? My thoughts on being a writer? My struggles: from story writing to finding a bit of creative inspiration…
The world’s the limit, also, I like to write poetry and flash fiction, too! Why do I have to make everything so difficult for myself sometimes?? Sigh.
Also, there is a new header image of my favorite books for now. I am still deciding if I want to change it to something different…so that’ll probably be updated soon. Hope everyone is having a great night!
I’ve been feeling a bit underappreciated at work lately. I understand that things change, you expand, you grow, you quickly learn that an open mind to new things is a productive mind.
However, I feel like there are a few things that a company owes its employees in order to keep those employees happy. Common sense tells me that appreciated employees are loyal employees that stay and work their hardest and grow.
But…not all employers share this sentiment, (I sometimes think there should be more laws to protect employees from a company that abuses its workers, but what do I know, I only do the work,) and it is sometimes difficult to continue on, while someone else is reaping all the benefits.
Story of all our lives, eh?
Anyway, just thought I’d make a list of some key values that I think a company should have to keep healthy, happy and hard-working employees.
Honestly, it is so simple: a good company is like a happy family with everyone doing their job and singing praises until the very youngest, lowest, member of the family, (usually the dog,) receives this praise and takes this encouragement to heart and realizes that they have a place and they will continue to work to keep that place.
A good company has:
Strong leadership skills
This is a given really, we are only as good as the management who guides us.
Excellent communication
This goes along with the management, usually a good manager is great at communicating things that need to be said to its employees.
Organizational Skills
Know what needs to be done, when it should be done. And stick to deadlines when you make them.
Respect
Most people learned this in grade school. Have respect for the people who work under you, and you will receive it in return.
It amazes me how easy the simplest values are lost when they really shouldn’t be. And it is really a shame when valuable employees are the ones who suffer for it. I hope everyone has a great night!
I might sound like a major Grinch in this post, but I’m not going to apologize.
Christmas is coming, no, its steamrolling its way here faster than I’d like, and it’s sprinted past Thanksgiving and is on its way to Christmas in July…which will probably get here faster than Thanksgiving.
And Turkey day is merely two weeks away…just saying.
I’ve been out and about the last couple of days doing errands, and I’ve been noticing more and more red and green than I have before. Christmas may not be my favorite holiday, but usually I like to get into the Christmas spirit after Thanksgiving. Not before. Not during.
My less than jolly mood could be contributed to my three years spent working retail, and the Christmas music that some stores shove down your throats the day after Halloween.
We also lost my grandma this year, and it just doesn’t feel like there should be a holiday at all, but I definitely don’t want to see Christmas trees and fake snowmen out before I’m ready.
I guess when it comes down to it, the holidays mean something different for each and every one of us. For those who have lost loved ones, it can be a difficult time. Most of the time I get annoyed because of how commercialized Christmas has become. It is all about the money and stores are even opening Thanksgiving night, instead of early black Friday morning.
I feel just like Charlie Brown on A Charlie Brown Christmas. What ever happened to the true meaning of Christmas? To spending time with friends and family and loved ones?
To realize that Christmas is about the joy of spending time together and giving and love.
Maybe it doesn’t feel like Christmas this year because the only thing I want for Christmas is the one thing I can’t have: to spend one more Christmas with my Grandma. To hear her laugh again, to get wrapping paper thrown at my head.
Well, I didn’t mean to get all sentimental on you guys, but I am doing everything I can to find some joy in Christmas this year, and it just isn’t happening.
And it certainly doesn’t help when the outside world is telling us too soon that you better be ready: Christmas is coming!!
Where do you find the joy in the holidays?
I’ve decided that I’m going to try to make most of my presents this year, but I think I might also do some online shopping. I’ve had enough of stores already!
Hey, guys. October is almost over…God, where did the days go? I am sick with some kind of head-cold-flu-achiness thing, and I just realized today that there are only two more days, (not counting tonight) till November!
Okay, well, I guess November isn’t that exciting…ladies: are we ready for no-shave November? Do any women really want to see their men that hairy? I mean, honestly…but back to NaNoWriMo.
I have a friend who has been diligently planning and brainstorming her plot for NaNoWriMo. She has her characters, she has key scenes, she has everything figured out to start writing on Sunday. And I couldn’t be more proud of her.
And I’ve got…nothing.
But that doesn’t mean I won’t give NaNoWriMo another shot this year. At any rate, it might be a nice chance for me to get a rough draft out for one of the many stories that I have yet to finish. But then I look at my story, at the characters, and the back story, and the history and I find there is still so much to do.
How did J.K. Rowling do it? I look to her as an example. All of that planning, all of the information that she knew about her characters and only about twenty percent of that got down on the page. You need to know your characters one-hundred percent. I used to laugh when I heard authors say their characters become like their children, but I guess it’s because I never really understood.
I get overwhelmed, the fear creeps in, and suddenly ten pages a day seems useless when it’s all going to be garbage anyway. I sometimes wonder, did J.K. Rowling ever struggle with writer’s doubt like I do?
I guess I have to keep reminding myself that no one is perfect from the get go, and you have to allow yourself to write crappy, to make mistakes, to take that leap. No fear.
No fear.
I had a manager who insisted that was her motto. To be honest, she drove me nuts, (she was such a control freak), but I think of her words now. I was in debt collecting, and you often dealt with customers that were less than pleasant. She would tell us to go into a call with no fear, to take control.
I think that same motto can apply for me here. I need to approach everyday in NaNoWriMo with no fear and remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It did take time for J.K. Rowling to develop her Harry Potter world. It wasn’t done in a month, and anything that I come out with at the end of November won’t be my next bestseller.
But it will be something.
And that’s definitely more than I have now.
Oh, and it’s supposed to be fun. Remember fun?
So self, don’t look at it as a chore. Look it as a way to kick some story-telling ass, and maybe just tackle that fear and self-doubt that’s been stalking me.
Who has time for self-doubt, anyway, when there are only thirty days in November?
Anyone out there doing NaNoWriMo this year? Have you done anything to prepare for it?
Meh. It’s a crappy day outside here in upstate, New York. The sky is gray, kind of damp and windy and fall colors seem to be bleeding away into this disgusting looking reddish/brown and I am having a terrible time waking up this Sunday afternoon.
I thought about doing some cleaning and then shopping…but meh, I think I’ll just sit here in front of my light box and write. Woe is to me.
For someone who gets seasonal depression every single year, you’d think I would learn by now, right? Was rather weeping/down these past couple of days…didn’t realize it until I watched a sad video on youtube a few days ago, (I mean, not very sad,) and starting crying because of it.
Snapped this at my parent’s house this weekend. Perhaps all the trees aren’t past their prime, yet.
Then, off to the light box – and I had a great Friday and Saturday with one of my friends: we had a girl’s night, ate pizza and watched The Age of Adeline, which I loved, and then had lunch with my sister and niece on Saturday.
Everyone needs a little soul food; and then a lovely Saturday night spent with Mike and I’m happy. Like, very happy. Back to normal. Summer Amanda. Woo.
Then…this morning’s dream.
My Grandma passed away this Spring, and its becoming clear to me now that the holidays are rapidly approaching and grandma is not going to be there this year to celebrate it with us. I know I knew this at the time it happened, but it’s not really sinking in until now.
I had a dream it was Thanksgiving at grandma’s house. I saw all this wonderful food set out in the kitchen and then for some reason, I decided to go take a nap. I fell asleep and no one woke me up to tell me that dinner was ready, and I came out to the kitchen and all the food was gone. There were some sickeningly sweet pudding and jello desserts left, but no cheese and crackers. No turkey, no mashed potatoes. Grandma was there in the kitchen with everyone, and they all exchanged looks with everyone as I slammed things down and brushed things aside, angry and confused that this had happened to me.
And then grandma steps up and smiles to me, and offers me something (I think it’s an apple,) and jokes and says something funny and tries to reassure me that everything’s okay, but it’s not. I rudely brush past her and run through her house to her guest bedroom, which is just off of the living room in the back of the house.
Suddenly, I’m sobbing into the bed because I know its Thanksgiving and grandma is not there anymore. She’s never going to be, and even if the food is all gone, the pain of her absence is more infuriating, hurts worse, more than the pain an empty stomach could ever be.
I woke up with tears dried on my face, and itchy eyes. And I have tears in my eyes now. What is the matter with me?
Thank you subconscious…For allowing me to remember. As if I could forget?
Grief makes you feel so lonely. Depression, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and have a do over. Maybe this time I would dream about meeting J.K. Rowling like I did last Saturday?
Time to get motivated. Time to remember that I’m not alone in this…that many, MANY others suffer from depression and need help, too. I think the best thing to do right now is make sure that I have an outlet…sometimes there is no lonelier a place than your own head space. (Hah! I made a rhyme!)
Okay, enough of that. I had this song stuck in my head today. (I recently discovered Pentatonix On My Way home documentary on Netflix, too!)
Their sound always seems to cheer me up. MUSIC cheers me up. Writing is always a great comfort to me as well.
I watched this new Force Awakens trailer with Mike (the other half) last night, and I had some reservations.
He thinks that I’m just irritated because now I have more questions than answers, (which is probably true,) but also, something about this new trailer troubles me. So, thought I’d write-up a quick blog post to puzzle it out.
I was disappointed when I learned a few years ago that Lucas had sold his masterpiece to Disney, because, well, Disney likes to ruin things. Like important things. By adding their own interpretation to the field. (Any fans of Boy Meets World see their Girl Meets World version? Yuck.)
But when I heard that J. J. Abrams was at the helm of the project, and all of the resources and money that Disney has, I thought okay…this movie might have a chance.
Then I saw this trailer and all of those doubts started to creep in again.
In this new trailer we finally see what we can assume are the main characters of the film : a former Storm Trooper, and a young brown-haired girl, Rey, living on what looks like Tatooine. I thought it was possibly Leia’s and Han’s daughter, but, according to this new trailer, it doesn’t really seem that way.
To be honest, I’m going to be very annoyed (I’m already annoyed) if this young woman is not in any way related to the Skywalkers. Because…I mean, come on, its STAR WARS; a lot of the main plot is centered around one big romance that ends tragically between Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala.
Of course, I could be reading into something that is meant to be vague on purpose – it is J.J. Abrams after all.
Anyway, the tone I got from the new trailer – so melancholy. There’s a lot of reminiscing going on (from what we’ve seen) but I hope that the film doesn’t get bogged down on what Star Wars was, and to focus on what it still is…to continue mastering a great story.
That being said, there’s got to be a balance, too. It needs to have some of that old Star Wars feel, (from the three great originals,) but also be fresh and exciting for this cinematic age. And although we love Star Wars, we hope that J.J Abrams also remembers that we love the universe of Star Wars, too, so we hope that it still feels like it’s in that galaxy far, far, away…with all the action scenes, explosions, droids, unexpectedly adorable aliens, and quotable lines, (minus the corniness)…
But, I don’t think that’s asking too much…right? 😉
Anyway, do you guys have any thoughts on the new movie? Are there things you are definitely looking forward to?
I’ve decided that I didn’t hate the new trailer, but it definitely did make me irritated because it managed to answer NONE of my questions. Hmm. Just like LOST all over again. Oh, J. J. Abrams.
I was out of work early again today. And I practically ran out of the building. I’ve been worried more and more about the lack of hours at my job, but I hate the idea of applying for something new.
Despite being boring, I like my job. Data Entry isn’t stressful. You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to. But I happen to like my co-workers. For once in my life, I am surrounded by like-minded people my age and it is wonderful. We all seem to hate that we can’t find that high-paying job that we’ve all been searching for, but we like movies, we like food, and we like to laugh.
Even though it is not the best job in the world, the people who I work with make the job worth it. I found the same environment once years ago at my first job (at Wal-Mart surprisingly,) where you feel like part of a team, and your co-workers are also your friends. (I guess it’s easy to bond over a common enemy. Heh.)
But anyway, was telling my Mom on the phone this morning how I’m so sick of trying to find jobs that I don’t want. I understand that you have to work to pay your bills, but when it comes down to it…at the end of the day, I’m not a sales-associate, I’m not a debt-collector, I’m not an indexer, I’m not a customer service representative. I’m Me. Amanda. A Writer.
I’m a writer.
And I’m sick of making excuses about that. A person who studies to be a doctor, tend to work with sick people. A person who studies to be a teacher, teaches. I studied to be a writer, so I’m going to write. I’ll carry my burdens, and I’ll pay my bills and I’ll do what needs to be done.
But I’m not going to sit here any longer and feel ashamed or feel like a failure, because I can’t seem to find the job that works for me. Because when it comes down to it, maybe I can’t find that perfect job, because I was not meant to work at those places? Hmm.
Epiphany? Food for thought?
I say, us writers, or artists or whatever, need to stick together. Because not everyone is meant to be a top executive, or administrative assistant or successful business person.
Some of us are writers, and none of us should feel ashamed about that.
Ever find yourself tapping your feet, glancing at the clock, wondering when the day is ever going to end? And if it does, hopefully it’ll be sometime this century?
I mentioned in an earlier post that I’ve been having trouble with anxiety. I tend to get anxiety due to my seasonal depression, but lately, I’ve been getting anxious doing nothing.
Today, glancing at the clock on my computer at work, I could have sworn that time crawled backwards just to mock me. Every twitch of the foot, every tap of my fingers on the keyboard was reminding, reminding, reminding me that I could be somewhere else, anywhere else. And that time is money.
Time is money, money, money…if only I got paid to waste time. (Well, one could almost argue that this is what I do at work most everyday, but anyway…)
If only I got paid to follow my dream…if only I could travel, see the world, pay the bills, see my family, and go back to school and not worry that my car might break down next month, or that I won’t be able to pay for groceries.
I want to be able to go out to eat where I want, I want to plan a meal (whatever it is) and be able to go out and get the ingredients, no matter the cost.
I want security, and I want love, and I want everything that a child of the 90s was promised: I want that American dream.
But then the economy crashed, we got a new president, and everything just…tanked.
I want…I want…
Right now, I’ve been content with how much (or how little) I have. I’ve been learning that life isn’t in petty things. It really isn’t food. It really isn’t the things you buy for yourself.
But…I definitely feel like its time to see more of the world. It’s time to move on. And maybe that brings me back to my whole going back to college thing. Maybe that will inspire me to do what I need to do to be where I want to be.
It is time for this restlessness to go away. Like…now. Okay. Rant over.
I hope everyone else is having more of a productive Monday than I am!
It’s cold in our apartment this morning and its become that time where we can’t decide if it’s quite cold enough to remove the AC’s from the windows. (I think so!)
I woke up this morning, (and bundled up!) and got myself a cup of tea and brunch…and now I am settled in a blanket in front of the TV watching cartoons. (I found Phineas and Ferb on Netflix, tehehe).
The point is: it is raining and chilly outside and I am completely content with being a bum and snuggling under the blankets. I think I might start reading a book, too.
This hibernation of mine this morning, reminds me of the last couple of days, which have been kind of rough for me. It has been terribly gloomy and rainy outside.
I get terrible seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, (SAD). For those of who don’t know what that is, read the definition here.
Basically it is what it sounds like it is. I get depression based on the seasons. Usually its based on how light it is outside…in the winter months the days are shorter and it does something to my brain…I don’t get all the happy chemicals I need and I spiral into an emotion imbalance…I change.
It’s very frustrating. Its like I lose half of myself each year. I morph from Summer Amanda into Winter Amanda and I don’t like losing myself each year to that other person.
(I know I definitely need to move south or something,) but right now I live in New York and this is who I am.
Summer Amanda likes to be creative, likes the sunshine, likes to try new things.Winter Amanda has a hard time concentrating, she’s super tired all the time and she wakes up more and more with a feeling of hopelessness deep in her chest.
The tiredness, I can deal with…but the depression….it makes it very difficult to wake up each and every morning.
Some days are better than others. This feeling of hopelessness also leads to self-doubt, which in turn leads to anxiety. It’s a never-ending cycle and sometimes it is exhausting.
I am very blessed to have friends and family in my life that get why on some days I just want to stay inside where its safe, though. I just want to be surrounded by love and comfort and warmth, and enjoy a nice night where I’m not self-doubting myself, where I felt content and safe and loved.
Not everyday is like that, though.
I am lucky, though; the shorter days will soon be over, and come late December, the days will start getting longer. It’s just these fall into winter months where I struggle the most.
So, I’m going to sit back, listen to music and enjoy my tea, and some light box therapy, and not feel guilty that I am being completely unsocial while doing so.
The people who are important to me in my life get it, and that’s enough for me.
I’ve seem to forgotten that lately. Back in my college days, Writing Workshop was fun. I spent those three-hour classes just letting go. I wrote my heart on the page and I felt free. I felt so relaxed and in-tuned with my inner self, that now four years out of college, I seem to be having a hard time remembering those days.
Sometimes I’ll have my moments in the sun. I’ll write a few pages to a story I haven’t touched in a while. I’ll write a new poem. I’ll come up with a new story idea. I might take a week and work solely on one project, (for once.)
And then by next week it’s all trashed again. Remember those bills I got to pay? That work or job I don’t want to go to? Those places I want to travel? Those mountains I want to see?
What will I find in the shadows of the mountains? Is the California sun really as bright as it looks on TV?
I keep telling myself that writing is my dream, but more than lately I feel like writing seems to be what I’ve been using as an excuse to get to those places. Can’t be a best seller if I don’t write…right? Can’t make money if I’m not a best seller and everyone knows that you can’t travel without money.
Sigh. I’ve just been so bored with life lately. Nothing inspires me. I love being busy, but when I’m not…suddenly I have a hard time breathing. I never knew that a person could get anxiety just by simply doing nothing?
Someone would think that with all this down time I should be using it to write, but sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough life experiences to write anything remotely interesting.
Now that brings me to my next thought: What if I went back to grad school?
I’ve been toying with the idea back and forth to get an MFA (Master of Fine Arts Degree) in Creative Writing and I spent some time today reading some pros and cons to such a venture.
Some people argue that the MFA degree in some areas has become so structural. That you often become influenced by the program that your writing changes as a result. It changes because you’re told that the world is looking for a particular type or style, while other people argue that it’s not really worth the debt that you’ll be potentially putting yourself in. It’s no secret that college in the U.S. is expensive.
Others say that yes, the MFA degree is for those that are looking to get back in the craft, (or it used to be,) to fine-tune writing that already has great potential.
Whatever the reason, an MFA could…inspire. Or put me in more debt.
The pro for me would be getting out seeing new places of the world, and getting back into that writing world, which I not only dream about lately, I yearn for it.
The con would be uprooting my life that I have now, a boyfriend, leaving family, a lack of money and where would I work while getting a grad degree?
But I can’t seem to get rid of that distant dream that has always been beckoning me on the horizon. Although an MFA degree might not be particularly useful in the job industry, (I mean, honestly, what English degree is nowadays,) it would be wonderful just being back in a college environment again. Oh, I miss it. I really do.
And I could always pursue journalism, or something.
What do you guys think? Where do you stand on the whole MFA issue?
I figure if J. K. Rowling can go without…that means something. But it doesn’t mean that someone can’t benefit from going back, right? Hmm. Certainly deserves some thought.
A. J. Morse 