she was three days old
at my high-school graduation
three years old when we watched
A Bug’s Life together
and now eighteen
and driving
and graduating today
about to embark on the world
nervous and unsure
but so beautiful
oh, so beautiful
she is gorgeous on the inside
and gorgeous on the outside
i wish for her
to always love herself
as much as she is
loved by everyone
My niece Maddie is graduating high-school today. How can it be? How can it be?
–AJM
if i knew when i was younger
that I would spend so much time
looking back to the days when things were simpler
yearning for it
with an ache that feels like grief
a longing that gnaws
like unsaid words
i might have enjoyed my time more
might have gone to the mall more often
might have told more secrets
got into trouble
if i had known the world doesn’t get any friendlier
that the scariness never really goes away
that i’ll still often feel like that 16-year-old farm girl
dressed in boots, patting cows
looking out across the field at the end of the barn
longing for something exciting to happen
maybe i would have realized sooner
that the stars don’t just fall for anyone
It’s amazing how a cafeteria smell
Will instantly take you back
The way it smells like broccoli cheddar soup. Like cheese but with a funk
Only 20 seconds
And the anxiety flashes back
High school anxiety. And middle school anxiety.
Standing in line forever to get food
If you kept your head down, the kids that were lewd, that were cruel, left you alone, rushing to eat
Difficult to swallow when your heart is pounding
Choking down chicken and gravy
That sticks to your throat like plaster
Or a doughy pizza that’s okay. Thank God for Pepperoni
Then you got the years Michelle Obama tried to make us eat healthy, and everything palatable (fries and cookies) were taken away and replaced my wheat rolls that looked and tasted like cardboard
What will we eat now?
It was okay with friends
It was safe there
Laughing and creating together
But on my own, I felt anxiety about a crowd
A teenage boy loves an easy mark
Especially someone so gullible
Innocent, naive, and unaware of the world
A 16 year old should have been more aware
Should have been not so afraid
I didn’t know how to be
Every day was fight or flight
And mom would be instantly there. To make it all better
A. J. Morse 