I’ve been in a bit of a down mood today and no matter what I tried, (TV, music, chocolate)…I couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. So, even though I didn’t want to, I went for a walk down the road.
My doctor always encouraged me to exercise…says that it “lightens the load” in more ways than one, and not just physically…
Cow in the field down the road from my house. Why they feel the need to stare at people walking past them, I have no idea.
Cows ogled me as I trudged past. In my peripheral vision, I noticed the trees a burnt red and orange. I look down at my feet and see a brown, and black fuzzy, wooly bear caterpillar, creeping its way across the rough surface of the road. Bugs flew up at my face. Bugs! In the middle of October. The sun was warm on my green sweater and on my matching green headband, the sharp, cool air biting at my cheeks, which are pink from the air that doesn’t want to make its way into my lungs.
I thought about why I was upset, thought about the scenery around me. Felt my mood like it was a physical being, felt it weigh me down in my chest. Inside, I wonder and agonized: Am I good enough? Why do I feel so worthless?
And while I’m wondering why the black and white cow in front of me keeps staring and staring, something prompts me to turn around and I’m greeted with this view:
No matter how grey you feel inside, there is beauty still. As emphasized by this beaten down tree in the field I was walking next to and the rainbow soaring above it.
I don’t know what made me turn around; divine intervention, an epiphany? But I’m glad I did. It felt like one of those moments where I was faced with the reality of my situation by the visuals around me. And as corny as it sounds, it felt like a promise.
“I will not abandon you. You are not alone.”
There is still beauty inside, even though I felt so crummy. And I hold that warmth inside of me and I am happy still. Partially because of my walk, partially because of the air that forced itself in and out of my lungs, partially because of the scenery; because I know I am alive, because of the sharp air that pinched my cheeks awake. But mostly because I know that I am beautiful.
Rainbow above the burnt, orange trees.
I am beautiful mentally, physically and all the other ways in between. I am a beautiful writer, poet, woman, child, daughter, comedic and friend.
And when you learn to love yourself, you learn to love everything around you. I am worthy. I am a friend.
Well…was thinking about what to post…(I know I’ve been rather quiet lately.) But I do have some good news!
Got a job interview next week at the airport near me and I hope everything works out fine. The job doesn’t have many hours to it, but I figured what the heck…it’s something and NOT retail!
Also, I hear there are some pretty good flight benefits working for an airline…so that’s something! And it will give me something to do…(been sooo bored lately!)
Wish me luucck!
This weekend has been another busy one for me, so will probably not get to post again until Monday. Been thinking about the purposes of this blog and I realize I have been distracting myself. The idea is to help advertise myself and my writing, not use the blog to distract me from writing! (Oh, the woes of a distracted writer!)
I want to focus more on writing itself and getting this book together. Not sure how much time I’ll get to spend on here, if I do get this job, but I am very excited nonetheless. My goal is to make writing a full-time career of mine, but there is nothing wrong with it being a part-time job as well! 🙂
I created a short stories page, so for those who were interested in some of my writings, you can go check it out!
It is the story that I just posted recently about the Planets having dinner. Thank you all for the wonderful likes and views. 🙂 I will certainly add more stories to the page as time goes on.
I wish I could make it its own drop down menu…but I don’t think this theme supports that. Hmm…will have to do some research, probably.
Soo, this weekend was a busy one…saw Nemo in 3D, went to a memorial service, shot some bow and arrows at a sporting event at a local church-camp, held some adorable barely month-old kittens and went to an ordination ceremony last night.
Well, Nemo 3D wasn’t as impressive as I thought it’d be, the memorial service was sad but beautiful, and the shooting just left me sore. (I have a chiropractor appointment on Wednesday.)
My mother holding two of the gray and white kittens. There are really four of them…when I am there again, I will take more pictures.
My aunt has these adorable kittens and when they are old enough…I’ll get to take one home! Yay! And the ordination ceremony was interesting, (my brother-in-law was getting ordained as a minister)…
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was this:
Woke up with a sore throat and sinus headache this morning, so I must have caught something at that ceremony last night, uggh!
So here I am huddled on the couch with a blanket, my laptop and some soothing music and wondering how sleepy NyQuil will actually make me…I doubt it’s advisable to apply for jobs in a drug-addled state…hmm…
But of course I did everything else this weekend, instead of writing. I managed to create another cover page for a story…but nope, no writing done…
It made me think about some of the things that I’ve read from other writers on here:Â How a writer is an observer. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with observing, that we forget that we are also part of the reality that we live in.
Some emphasize that as a writer, it is just as important to live your life outside of the fiction world. Although things were certainly busy enough this weekend, it is something that I seem to be having more and more trouble with lately. Living in reality. Instead of zoning out…plotting, planning, hearing character’s voices in my head…
***One of the songs I was just listening to. I love the music in the Chronicles of Narnia movie. Another fine example of losing yourself in another reality!***
As the winter months come upon us, I start to dread it a little more…
Every year since I was a senior in high school, I’ve had what people call “the winter blues.” My doctor diagnosed it as “Seasonal Affective Disorder,” where my mood, attention span, etc. seems to be dependent on how much sunlight we may or may not get in a given winter. (I know, move some place warmer, silly! As soon as I get moolah, that might just be my plan!)
There is some correlation between serotonin and the brain, and for some reason, in the winter months…things are a little ‘off’ for me.
Things are certainly better than they were. I have a special sunlight lamp, my diet is much better and I try to exercise more, but there is something else that I notice. As I lose focus on the reality around me, I am able to lose myself in my writing and fictional worlds just a little bit more.
Anyone ever notice that a lot of great writers suffer or have suffered from some form of Depression? Robert Frost…Sylvia Plath…just to name a few…(one day I will do the proper research!)
While I am in no way planning to shut my head in an oven door, I find it interesting that as I become more withdrawn from the real world, the fictional world is welcoming me back with open arms.
This summer, I had the best summer of my life. (Everyone loves a summer romance!) I saw new places, I spent more time with my friends than I ever have before. I see this summer as bright and shining, full of sunshine a warm yellow; and the bright, rippling blue lakes that I drove by when I went to and from various places in the Finger Lakes area.
Me and some girlfriends at Robert Treman state park earlier this summer. (I’m in the brown t-shirt.) What a beautiful day!
And for the first time in about a year: I didn’t write.
Four months went by. I hadn’t written a single thing. (Handsome guys will do that to a girl…) But it makes me question myself. Should I still call myself a writer?
My notebooks didn’t get forgotten…I still had them with me wherever I went. I jotted down a few ideas, came up with a character name, a different story plot, but I didn’t string more than three or four sentences together. No dialogue got written. I might have started two paragraphs in a story and then, hey, there was swimming to be done, and kissing and movies to watch and cuddling…
But here I am, back to reality. Ironic, really. Summer romance done, full-time job over. The reality that I lived in this summer was probably as close to a fiction one as I’ve ever saw myself in.
I suppose the idea is this: When dreams aren’t being fulfilled in reality, I try to live them in the fiction world. What happens then, when I have a really good day?
Hmm, it’s a troubling thought. But I understand, (maybe more than some,) how important it is to maintain a good balance.
And I blame it on that movie, The Words…damn that clever, thought-provoking writing!
“Eventually, all writers have to make a choice,” says a character in the film. Do you live in the fictional world? Or maintain a grasp on reality?
Hmm. Here’s a thought: Why can’t a person do both??
In case you didn’t notice…I had a bit of a rough time last night.
The weight of the world was on my shoulders and sometimes you can’t help it, you feel yourself sinking down into that deep, dark abyss.
Heavy and dreary skies at the beach at Wilmington, NC.
I watched my niece earlier today and as I was playing the “Be Patient” song to her on YouTube from the music machine, it had me thinking about the other songs my mother used to play for us as kids, and among them were the Psalty Song Book Praises.
Now, for those who don’t know who or what I’m talking about it was a series of music tapes created by a church group aimed to spread the love of God through kids songs.
And yes…I grew up in a very christian home and as I’m certainly not as innocent and trusting as I was back then…sometimes a message meant for kids, hits just as close to home when you are an adult.
And that is a song called “One Step at a Time.”
No matter what gets you down in life, you can climb your mountains… one step at a time.
Whether it be school, job, your kids, your homework…everything is easier to tackle little by little. I shouldn’t let that mountain-load of stress get me down…even if it does seem a heavy load to bear…
Rainbow in the sky over Binghamton University. Taken about April 2011.
Remembering that if I climb on top of it, look at the larger picture, one itty-bitty step at a time… “I’m gonna make it!”
And whether it be God, your parents, your husband or your best friend, no one is alone in their troubles…or you don’t have to be. A friend is there to lighten the load. Just like laughter is, just like love.
And loving something or someone other than yourself, other than your troubles…makes the world brighten.
Is anyone as excited as me about this new TV show coming on NBC in the fall??
My Dad’s only comment: “Where do they get the bows and arrows and swords from?” Hehehe. I love him.
Finally, NBC’s taking a show of post apocalyptic proportions and presenting it to us for entertainment! (Eh, with the exception of Terra Nova…and we all know how thaat turned out.) J. J. Abram’s involved, so it can’t be too terrible, right? Very excited about this!
As I am an avid TV watcher and lover (of course I am! I’m nerdy like that!) I will occasionally be reviewing some of my favorite TV shows on here. Revolution will most definitely be making an appearance. Also, keep an eye out for reviews of Vampire Diaries, Bones, and Once Upon a Time later on.
I love the summer, but I am excited about the new season of TV starting soon! FINALLY! Something worth watching! Can’t wait!
Feeling a tad irritated at life, the world and blogging today so I’m trying to find that song that’s been stuck in my head since last night…
Ah, here it is:
I know it’s not the regular music video, but sometimes I don’t like the them because they change my own personal view of a song, and where’s the enjoyment of that? If I can’t relate to it on a personal level?
Anyway, looking over the lyrics…Wow, they really do reflect how I feel right now: Very disconnected, and very adrift…always the questions that pop up in life: What do I stand for?
Mostly the questions for me now are this: Am I making the right choices? Am I doing the right thing? What’s the right job? What’s the right move? Always the startling questions for a struggling artist…and someone who hopes they are getting everything they want out of life…
“What do I stand for?”
Photoshop update #2: I have abandoned my quest for download and have decided to seek greener pastures: Ebay.
No matter how grey you feel inside, there is beauty still. As emphasized by this beaten down tree in the field I was walking next to and the rainbow soaring above it.
Hmm…will have to do some research, probably.
A. J. Morse 