life

An English Major’s Struggle To Find a Job

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

I recently took a new job here, (go figure, right?)…something that has me typing information at a desk, not customer service, not worrying about sales pitch – did I get it right? Just plain old monotonous information, and type-type typing away.typing-clipart-16-COLOR

And while this job was described to me as incredibly boring, I can’t but help be somewhat relieved. Left to my own thoughts, my own devices, I am more productive, less stressed and overall satisfied. Plus, I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. Is it sad how much this is a relief to me?

Ever since college I have been struggling finding my way or niche in this world…I watch friends of mine, graduates from the same college get jobs at corporations, in the classroom, or go on to pursue higher education at graduate school.

I am proud of them and their accomplishments, but where does that leave me? Taking a job in retail, in customer service, in collections…finding places that pay the big bucks with little need to think or grow? I don’t live in an area that offers an overwhelming amount of options, either. I feel like I have ruined my job experience…even the manager that recently interviewed me said he was worried about hiring me…”Your job history seems a little…scattered,” he said.

“Oh, I know,” I said, and then shrugged. What could I say?

“I missed the boat when it came to moving to Florida?”

“I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?”

Life is difficult and not always forgiving when it comes to pursuing your dreams and passions. I got an English degree, so everyone assumed that I wanted to be a teacher. I worked in customer service, so everyone assumed that I’m great on the phone, and love to help others. (I am great on the phone by the way. Former debt collector here, watch out!)

But what to do…what to do, when all of the world seems to be telling me that I am a failure? I took the jobs…because I needed the money. Not everyone has a savings or rich relatives. (Oh, but wouldn’t that be nice!)notebook in candlelightSince I was a young teen, the one thing that I consider myself great at is writing. This led to the thought: “I’ll be a writer.” Yet, with the pressure on to pay the bills…is such a desire a pipe dream? Or should I really just bite the bullet and go back to college…even though I don’t know what I want to study?

The questions are endless and the emotions boarding on that feeling of overwhelming sadness. I think the real answer to these questions are:

Do what makes you happy and don’t worry what everyone else thinks.

My head is grasping for the words of advice I’ve heard many times: “Don’t give up, you’ll get there.”

“Believe in yourself.”

“Never stop writing.”

“Don’t lose faith in yourself.”

Yet, they seem to be falling on deaf ears this afternoon, or falling in the cracks of heater and getting lodged there, (God knows little heat is getting out!).

doryThe sun is peaking out of the clouds now, and the snow has finally stopped. For some reason Dory’s voice from Finding Nemo has snuck its way into my head:

“Just keep swimming…just keep swimming…What do we do? We swim!”

Hmm…I am a terrible swimmer, but I can keep going, no matter how difficult it is…

The truth of the matter is, I am not unhappy here, sitting at my desk in the sunshine, which is creeping through to land on the floor and the cheery, yellow walls of my office.

I can keep on swimming, and I can begin to stop listening to what others think…because only my opinion matters in this instance. Being a writer is my pipe dream, and that’s all that matters.

I can keep on swimming no matter the cost.

Poetry: I can write haiku, can you?

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

It’s snowing outside, tiny flakes coming down from the sky in all directions, swirling chaotically around cars and the pavement outside my window.

View from my office window.

View from my office window.

Naturally this makes me want to write, of course. I don’t know what it is…maybe because it’s warm in our apartment, I woke up refreshed (finally) after a good nights sleep and I have the day off from work.

Maybe there’s something in the way that snowy sleepy days naturally put me in a thoughtful mood, and thoughtful moods generally lead to writing…if I were a painter, I’d paint the heck out of a glorious snowy day, but alas, the best brush I have, is the brush of words on blank, blank paper.

And of course, the last sentence I just wrote had me thinking about haiku poems. It’s been ages since I’ve written one…not since college three years ago. I found a refresher at this website, here.

(From the website:) The haiku is a Japanese verse in three lines.  Line one has 5 syllables, line 2 has 7 syllables and line three has 5 syllables. Haiku is a mood poem and it doesn’t use any metaphors or similes.

wpid-img_20141127_165052481.jpg

View of the moon and snowy trees at my Grandma’s house, the evening of Thanksgiving.

I don’t usually think of myself as a poet. My advance poetry teacher in college said to me once, “You are definitely a fiction writer.” And that seemed to cement the idea in my brain. He didn’t mean to say that I was inept at poetry, just that eventually all writers make a choice, and I am a lover of stories and so naturally fiction was my style of choice.

But lately, I am constantly reminded by poetry why writing descriptive, lyrical words are so important. Why some fiction is just poetry in an extended form. In a single poem, an image is created in just a few words. I think poetry is a great way to remind fiction writers how important it is to show, not tell what is happening in the story, but to focus on the concise, and descriptive words.

Here’s some haiku of my own. Some silly, some serious, some not really haiku poems at all, but all poetry:

The bright yellow sun shines

through icicles hanging

on the windowsill

 

 

icicles remind

us to mind the cold weather

bundle up you beasts

 

 

dogs don’t like the snow

wagging their tails between gusts

shivering snow and wind

 

 

the snow swirls around the pavement

children walk by with parents

hands howling in their gloves

 

 

So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow…

(Just kidding! haha…can’t get this poem out of my head for some reason! For those that don’t know this is the start of a poem, “The Red Wheelbarrow,” by William Carlos Williams. I remember there were those that either loved it or hated it in my poetry class. There was a great debate that followed about it.)

And lastly, another haiku of my own:

 

The dead of winter

snow falls down on black pavement

eat lunch, eat sunlight

This has been a lot of fun for me this afternoon. Feel free to comment with your own, if you like!

Happy Writing!

What Makes Life Worth Living?

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

These last couple of day have been stressful for us. My car is in the shop, it is 7 degrees outside, and until I get paid next week, I have about $2.

Life is not exactly easy when you live paycheck to paycheck, and although I am trying to look on the positive side, sometimes I do start to hyperventilate. The man in my life, although he pretends to be all manly and tough most of the time, said it this way: “We have each other, babe.”

And as corny as that sounds, I had a thought about it. It may seem like the end of the world when you can’t pay your bills, but it’s really not. Sure, you get behind, it happens. But life is in the people you love, in the people who love you and in the times you share together.

Love doesn’t pay the bills, but it sure does remind you what makes life worth living. And that’s all I need for the time being.

Oh, and brownies:

wpid-img_20150106_205957593.jpgI made these tonight with this recipe here, (with my own tweaks of course) and I think these will go well with a cup of hot coco, yes? 🙂

I counted on my fingers before bed…I have a at least fifteen friends and family that love me. I am not without love in my life. I am poor, but I am not worthless.

These thoughts of failure, life stresses and worthlessness made me think of what Clarence writes in George’s book in the end of It’s a Wonderful Life:

“Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends.”

No…they are most definitely not. I hope everyone is keeping warm, and positive this cold, Tuesday night.

Happy Writing everyone!

 

 

 

Funky Dreams, Inspiration and Writing

/ Ajmorse / 4 Comments

This week is a week of inspiration for me…and another inspiration is dreams. I get a lot of inspiration from dreams, as they are basically stories that the brain invents all by itself while you are sleeping.

44432_girl_sleep_lgThis morning I woke up at 4am with the knowledge that I had the best dream EVER, and despite me writing down as much as I could, it still seemed like a whole lot of nothing. I could barely remember anything.

All I do remember is that I was at a friend’s house staying the night, I made out with one of my girlfriends, (we have been watching a lot of Orange is the New Black lately), we sang a song, there was food and candles lit, I went somewhere with my boyfriend. I was working out on an exercise machine, doing pull ups. Then the dream switches to me being on a slide with my friends, we were poling on a raft through a river of dead bodies, then there was this waterfall drop, I was too scared to go so I jumped off the raft to the side.

dower2_0121205Just as I’m about to go down the shoot, some arms and legs emerge from a grate and a man appears with a gun and a bunch of soggy money clutched in his hand, he tries to shoot me and the dream changes again…I remember a story within a story, a love story I eventually tell to someone and my amazing heroics. (Apparently I could control water.) I remember a large grassy hill and a yellow mansion on the hill. I remember writing names on a mirror in pink paint or lipstick; someone scoffing and saying they definitely weren’t the best couple ever. I remember I dreamed up a night’s worth of actions in two hours.

Although I couldn’t remember everything, what IS clear is the emotions. I felt hopeful, triumphant, amazing and invincible. Like justice was really served or true love really triumphed in the end. I felt strong and confident and young. My heart was warm, and fuzzy, I was the happiest and the most excited about life that I have been in a while.

If I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend, I wouldn’t be warm and fuzzy. No, emotions like regret and longing sometimes resurface. But it is funny how sometimes a story has the ability to influence your emotions, changes the way you feel.

That’s what I want to do someday: I want to make someone feel happy because a character is happy, I want a reader to rejoice in their triumphs. I want to write something that changes a person’s perceptive about certain things. Words are powerful. I want to shape them, make them my own and be one of the triumphant ones.

Anyway, that’s enough from me…What are your goals and inspirations? Ever have a story that was inspired about a crazy dream of yours? I’d like to hear it!

Happy Writing people!

 

 

 

 

The FIFA World Cup, pizza and a quiet summer evening

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

Me and my boyfriend are broke, broke, broke. I’ve stayed home all weekend all with the intent to save money on gas…I’ve missed birthday parties, festivals, and good times with old friends. I’ve been bummed, I’ve been frustrated, but I push through all with the knowledge that hard times are there to teach you to learn from your mistakes, to push harder, to be tough in the times of great stress.

Even though it seems like life sucks, I remind myself that it is not the end of the world, that I have a place to live, people to love me and food in my belly. I mean, that’s all a person needs, really.

pizzaAnd lotsa, lotsa, pizza! (Just kidding, tehe)

But enough of the drama, we might be poor but we can appreciate the little things and that includes spending time together, enjoying pizza and watching the World Cup – here we Americans call it Soccer, of course.

I, personally, like the term “football,” really, as I’m not a great fan of American football (I know, I’m a traitor to everything American, whatevers,) but we are both thoroughly enjoying this great opportunity to view something that we don’t normally get to see. And who said that Americans never watch Soccer? Pssh.

I’m starting to notice the different styles between the countries. The Japanese are fast, quick. Ghana has great footwork. Greece, great defense. And the US? They play differently than EVERYONE.

soccer

USA vs Portugal, FIFA World cup

Their passes are long, their dribbling not as intricate… (well, maybe right now is not a good time to judge, we are down by 1 – AH, never mind, they just scored! WOOO!

I am falling in love with “football.” We never get to watch it here in the US, a sport that is more popular everywhere in the world but here, and most of the time, we Americans don’t get a chance to watch it. There’s so much drama, strategy and excitement.

Every game is just one big stress-ball, next minute one big party. I’m ready to jump in line with all the other soccer hooligans, I’m ready!

Well, just thought I’d say a quick hello, and hope everyone in the blogging world is doing just grand and had a great weekend! I’m enjoying this warmer weather here in upstate New York and love that there is blue sky and green on the trees. Enjoying the simple things…whatever they may be.

Happy Writing people!

(FYI my final reviews for GOTs to come soon.)

Have you been keeping up with the World cup? Who do you want to win?

Laundry, a menial chore – a nice journaling opportunity!

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Moved to a new place in the last few months, and the building we are living in doesn’t have laundry on site, so every week or so I must make that dreaded trip to the laundromat. I hate doing laundry, and I hate laundromats, but the last time I brought my journal along and it gave me this somewhat amusing (if a bit depressing) journal entry:

ZZZZZ

3/5/14

I hate the sound of a laundromat. The way everyone’s laundry bumps up and down and goes every which-way, it makes me feel like there’s a hovercraft nearby, the rinsing and the swooshing, the quick, jagged vibrating of a laundry load full of jeans. The heavy slosh of an empty washer only half-full, only half used.

The dryer doors that fly open in mid-spin on a whim, flinging out their contents…be free undies…be free towels…be free…

Then there is the final rinse, the final spin, the heavy drone of a washer that bids you to keep waiting, groans and shudders, waiting….waiting…wait. One final spin, a heavy moan and then it shudders. It’s done.

How disturbing that washing clothes sounds like sex on paper, but it’s not like that at all.

Doing laundry is not sexy. It is the un-sexed, the final hangnail, the equivalent of having a migraine with a piercing light shining down on you.

It is like finding a stain on your favorite t-shirt, drumming your steering wheel in long lines of traffic, a fly buzzing in your ear, diarrhea, a sink full of dirty dishes, an open wound, the stink and the squelch of feet stuck in cold mud.

It is that raw, open feeling of words not said, of empty spaces, of regrets that come flying back in crowds of laughing, boisterous people. It’s like realizing you’ve forgotten something very important, and that dread of forgotten assignments…a pop-quiz, a failed class, the feeling of social paranoia. It is that trapped, dizzying realization that no one is coming to rescue you – life really comes with disappointments, heart ache and hurts.

And no one is going to rescue you from the overwhelming joyless feeling of living sometimes. Sometimes, all you can do is feel lost in the hullabaloo of it. Sometimes all you can do is look around hopelessly at the blank, wide-eyed, too-beautiful people and hope that they won’t notice that you might smell like prey to their eyes, that you might be that one person that might make this second of their lives a little more entertaining.

But ah, I digress – laundry. That menial chore that reminds you that there are other hopeless people in the world around you. You may think that you smell like roses most of the time, but in the end of it…eventually, all your clothes smell like shit. And that’s enough to bring dread to anyone.

Yeah, I really hate laundry. One day, when I’m rich and famous, I’ll hire someone to do it for me. But for now, it keeps me with the realization, and reminds me that no one is perfect – myself included.

I Am Me

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

I’ve been in a bit of a down mood today and no matter what I tried, (TV, music, chocolate)…I couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. So, even though I didn’t want to, I went for a walk down the road.

My doctor always encouraged me to exercise…says that it “lightens the load” in more ways than one, and not just physically…

Cow in the field down the road from my house. Why they feel the need to stare at people walking past them, I have no idea.

Cows ogled me as I trudged past. In my peripheral vision, I noticed the trees a burnt red and orange. I look down at my feet and see a brown, and black fuzzy, wooly bear caterpillar, creeping its way across the rough surface of the road. Bugs flew up at my face. Bugs! In the middle of October. The sun was warm on my green sweater and on my matching green headband, the sharp, cool air biting at my cheeks, which are pink from the air that doesn’t want to make its way into my lungs.

I thought about why I was upset, thought about the scenery around me. Felt my mood like it was a physical being, felt it weigh me down in my chest. Inside, I wonder and agonized: Am I good enough? Why do I feel so worthless?

And while I’m wondering why the black and white cow in front of me keeps staring and staring, something prompts me to turn around and I’m greeted with this view:

No matter how grey you feel inside, there is beauty still. As emphasized by this beaten down tree in the field I was walking next to and the rainbow soaring above it.

I don’t know what made me turn around; divine intervention, an epiphany? But I’m glad I did. It felt like one of those moments where I was faced with the reality of my situation by the visuals around me. And as corny as it sounds, it felt like a promise.

“I will not abandon you. You are not alone.”

There is still beauty inside, even though I felt so crummy. And I hold that warmth inside of me and I am happy still. Partially because of my walk, partially because of the air that forced itself in and out of my lungs, partially because of the scenery; because I know I am alive, because of the sharp air that pinched my cheeks awake. But mostly because I know that I am beautiful.

Rainbow above the burnt, orange trees.

I am beautiful mentally, physically and all the other ways in between. I am a beautiful writer, poet, woman, child, daughter, comedic and friend.

And when you learn to love yourself, you learn to love everything around you. I am worthy. I am a friend.

I am…me. 🙂

Ramblings of a Distracted Writer

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Glider at Harris Hill, NY.

Well…was thinking about what to post…(I know I’ve been rather quiet lately.) But I do have some good news!

Got a job interview next week at the airport near me and I hope everything works out fine. The job doesn’t have many hours to it, but I figured what the heck…it’s something and NOT retail!

Also, I hear there are some pretty good flight benefits working for an airline…so that’s something! And it will give me something to do…(been sooo bored lately!)

Wish me luucck!

This weekend has been another busy one for me, so will probably not get to post again until Monday. Been thinking about the purposes of this blog and I realize I have been distracting myself. The idea is to help advertise myself and my writing, not use the blog to distract me from writing! (Oh, the woes of a distracted writer!)

I want to focus more on writing itself and getting this book together. Not sure how much time I’ll get to spend on here, if I do get this job, but I am very excited nonetheless. My goal is to make writing a full-time career of mine, but there is nothing wrong with it being a part-time job as well! 🙂

New page “Short Stories”

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I created a short stories page, so for those who were interested in some of my writings, you can go check it out!

It is the story that I just posted recently about the Planets having dinner. Thank you all for the wonderful likes and views. 🙂  I will certainly add more stories to the page as time goes on.

I wish I could make it its own drop down menu…but I don’t think this theme supports that. :/ Hmm…will have to do some research, probably.

Happy Reading!