if i knew when i was younger
that I would spend so much time
looking back to the days when things were simpler
yearning for it
with an ache that feels like grief
a longing that gnaws
like unsaid words
i might have enjoyed my time more
might have gone to the mall more often
might have told more secrets
got into trouble
if i had known the world doesn’t get any friendlier
that the scariness never really goes away
that i’ll still often feel like that 16-year-old farm girl
dressed in boots, patting cows
looking out across the field at the end of the barn
longing for something exciting to happen
maybe i would have realized sooner
that the stars don’t just fall for anyone
looking back
tablecloth queen
i moved a table into the kitchen
covered it with a tablecloth
and thought, this feels right
realizing later
that grandma covered her kitchen table
how i remember her white, wrinkled fingers
reaching for the mayonnaise
or ‘dressing’ as she called it
her fingers etched with hard work and mischief
how we’d sit on a Saturday afternoon and eat lunch
just sandwiches, chips, and pickles
and it felt like everything in life was alright
i eat my sandwich now and remember her
Christmas is gone, and she is too
but the table remains
and i sit here at my tableclothed table
eating my pickle
feeling like a queen
and honoring one
Happy New Year!! 🥳
If you’ve liked what you’ve read, check out my poetry book Walking in Cemeteries available for purchase here.
A. J. Morse 