I feel old
like creaky leather
an ancient crone
in freezing weather
tomorrow’s Monday
another battle
snow in the forecast
hear my bones a’ rattle
I feel all dried up
earth turned to dust
like a beat-up car
that’s begun to rust
the world has tipped
and warmth is lost
winter bites with hunger
and drools with frost
I was not made for a world of snow and ice. My feet freeze and I need sunshine. If it weren’t for family, I’d live near a beach somewhere. I hope you are all well.
AJM
the second week of February
hit me pretty hard
I’m low on serotonin
scraping ice off my car
the winter wind
is biting at my face
as we try to stay warm
to insulate our place
the heat bill is so high
we’ll have to sell a kidney
just to pay are rent
(I’m really not kidding)
then in world news
a president breaking laws
an ignorant population
who can’t see his flaws
I’m struggling to stay awake
’cause I don’t really sleep
to wake up from this nightmare
watch the promises he keeps
snow melts and freezes
the road goes black to white
I’m on the sofa sneezing
will anyone stand and fight?
If you’ve liked what you read here, check out my poetry book Walking in Cemeteries…available for purchase on Amazon!
January has just been one big suck-fest. Anyone with me?
I have a poem I’ve been working on, but instead of coming together like things usually do, pulling the words out for this one is like trying to pull blood from a stone.
I am on the struggle bus. Physically. Mentally. Creatively. I long for sunny days. And warmth.
I hope everyone else is doing better than me. If you’ve kept up with this blog and my poetry book, you’ll know that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) hits me big every year. This past month, more so than others.
I take comfort in my light therapy, friends, comedy, and the dogs.
I don’t have anything creative for you today. I’m sorry. But here’s a few dog pics, because dogs are awesome and cute. Bowl is life. ❤️😆 love them. (The chocolate is Koda; the golden, Teddy.)
My poetry book Walking in Cemeteries is now available for purchase on Amazon.
Walking in Cemeteries https://a.co/d/91pHMJ3
This has been a project that I started this summer, and is a culmination of ten+ years of poetry from different stages of my life. To say that I am simply proud is an understatement. 🤗❤️
I am appreciating the outdoors today and the sunshine, even though it’s pretty cold outside! It’s as if Bob Ross were here painting all his happy little trees…
Mike took this picture on our walk today. This up and down weather is taking its toll on the small streams and canals in the area. There’s been some flooding from blockages from ice floes.
I somehow caught pink-eye over the weekend; and the handle to my driver’s side door snapped off when I tried to open my frozen car door last night, but I am choosing to remain positive. Was actually a great triumph for me to laugh about it, instead of let my anxiety take over.
Plus, I’m inside and warm, and that always helps, too. Hope everyone has a great Sunday and keep safe out there!
Happy Writing all!
Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.
Today is a bad day for me. I try really hard, but somehow, I am always less than what I should be. Feelings of worthlessness, tiredness, that whole Is-it-worth-it-to-get-out-of-bed type of attitude.
I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.
If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.
Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.
Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.
Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?
How??
My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.
And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.
Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?
I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.
The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.
Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.
Today was a gloomy day, and as such, today was a tiring day. I’ve taken my vitamin D, and I’ve sat in front of my sun-lamp, and now all there is left to do is to wait until bed-time comes and I can finally close these tired eyes.
Everyone was grumpy and tired at work today, and the snow on the ground outside marks the first significant snow we’ve gotten all winter. (This might be the main cause of the grumpiness, as no one likes to drive in bad weather!)
I was having a thought about what to write tonight, and mostly what’s been on my mind lately, is my seasonal affective disorder. Most everyone in the north-east gets some kind of winter blues, but those of us with SAD have more of a rough time of it.
I get frustrated because I am very much a different person half of the year, and I miss my full self – that self that really is happy to get out of bed in the morning, is full of energy, laughter, and creative ideas.
In the winter I am this: Tired, distracted, depressed, anxious, spacey, (have trouble concentrating,) and less creative.
I find myself interacting less, laughing less and struggling with the right words to say in social situations. Most of the time I just want to crawl into bed and watch Netflix, but if I do that, how will I get a chance to write?
Anyway, thought I’d write a list of helpful things you should say to someone with SAD in case you have a friend who’s been down on their luck lately:
Exercise is a great way to counteract that overall blah-ness. And interacting with a friend is always nice, too.
You’ll need the exercise to counteract the take-out, but sometimes a weekend in with a loved one is the perfect cure to a rough week, and some down days. In the end, you just want to feel loved, and feel a sense of security.
Course, I suppose, a guy could go shopping with you, too! Feeling good about yourself, and confident in how you look has a big impact on how you feel.
Sometimes those bad days happen, and sometimes you do want to crawl into bed and stay there for a little while. As a loved one, you should be okay with cuddling in bed with your significant other and not facing the world for a little while.
Remember, it is not a bad thing to take some moments for yourself, any time that you may need.
And that’s enough for now, I’m sure I’ll have more insight down the road when I’m not falling asleep at my desk like I am now! Ack!
Hope everyone keeps safe and warm tonight!
Happy writing!
It’s cold in our apartment this morning and its become that time where we can’t decide if it’s quite cold enough to remove the AC’s from the windows. (I think so!)
I woke up this morning, (and bundled up!) and got myself a cup of tea and brunch…and now I am settled in a blanket in front of the TV watching cartoons. (I found Phineas and Ferb on Netflix, tehehe).
The point is: it is raining and chilly outside and I am completely content with being a bum and snuggling under the blankets. I think I might start reading a book, too.
This hibernation of mine this morning, reminds me of the last couple of days, which have been kind of rough for me. It has been terribly gloomy and rainy outside.
I get terrible seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, (SAD). For those of who don’t know what that is, read the definition here.
Basically it is what it sounds like it is. I get depression based on the seasons. Usually its based on how light it is outside…in the winter months the days are shorter and it does something to my brain…I don’t get all the happy chemicals I need and I spiral into an emotion imbalance…I change.
It’s very frustrating. Its like I lose half of myself each year. I morph from Summer Amanda into Winter Amanda and I don’t like losing myself each year to that other person.
(I know I definitely need to move south or something,) but right now I live in New York and this is who I am.
Summer Amanda likes to be creative, likes the sunshine, likes to try new things.
Winter Amanda has a hard time concentrating, she’s super tired all the time and she wakes up more and more with a feeling of hopelessness deep in her chest.
The tiredness, I can deal with…but the depression….it makes it very difficult to wake up each and every morning.
Some days are better than others. This feeling of hopelessness also leads to self-doubt, which in turn leads to anxiety. It’s a never-ending cycle and sometimes it is exhausting.
I am very blessed to have friends and family in my life that get why on some days I just want to stay inside where its safe, though. I just want to be surrounded by love and comfort and warmth, and enjoy a nice night where I’m not self-doubting myself, where I felt content and safe and loved.
Not everyday is like that, though.
I am lucky, though; the shorter days will soon be over, and come late December, the days will start getting longer. It’s just these fall into winter months where I struggle the most.
So, I’m going to sit back, listen to music and enjoy my tea, and some light box therapy, and not feel guilty that I am being completely unsocial while doing so.
The people who are important to me in my life get it, and that’s enough for me.
Happy Saturday Everyone!
Soo, this weekend was a busy one…saw Nemo in 3D, went to a memorial service, shot some bow and arrows at a sporting event at a local church-camp, held some adorable barely month-old kittens and went to an ordination ceremony last night.
Well, Nemo 3D wasn’t as impressive as I thought it’d be, the memorial service was sad but beautiful, and the shooting just left me sore. (I have a chiropractor appointment on Wednesday.)
My mother holding two of the gray and white kittens. There are really four of them…when I am there again, I will take more pictures.
My aunt has these adorable kittens and when they are old enough…I’ll get to take one home! Yay! And the ordination ceremony was interesting, (my brother-in-law was getting ordained as a minister)…
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was this:
Woke up with a sore throat and sinus headache this morning, so I must have caught something at that ceremony last night, uggh!
So here I am huddled on the couch with a blanket, my laptop and some soothing music and wondering how sleepy NyQuil will actually make me…I doubt it’s advisable to apply for jobs in a drug-addled state…hmm…
But of course I did everything else this weekend, instead of writing. I managed to create another cover page for a story…but nope, no writing done…
It made me think about some of the things that I’ve read from other writers on here: How a writer is an observer. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with observing, that we forget that we are also part of the reality that we live in.
Some emphasize that as a writer, it is just as important to live your life outside of the fiction world. Although things were certainly busy enough this weekend, it is something that I seem to be having more and more trouble with lately. Living in reality. Instead of zoning out…plotting, planning, hearing character’s voices in my head…
***One of the songs I was just listening to. I love the music in the Chronicles of Narnia movie. Another fine example of losing yourself in another reality!***
As the winter months come upon us, I start to dread it a little more…
Every year since I was a senior in high school, I’ve had what people call “the winter blues.” My doctor diagnosed it as “Seasonal Affective Disorder,” where my mood, attention span, etc. seems to be dependent on how much sunlight we may or may not get in a given winter. (I know, move some place warmer, silly! As soon as I get moolah, that might just be my plan!)
There is some correlation between serotonin and the brain, and for some reason, in the winter months…things are a little ‘off’ for me.
Things are certainly better than they were. I have a special sunlight lamp, my diet is much better and I try to exercise more, but there is something else that I notice. As I lose focus on the reality around me, I am able to lose myself in my writing and fictional worlds just a little bit more.
Anyone ever notice that a lot of great writers suffer or have suffered from some form of Depression? Robert Frost…Sylvia Plath…just to name a few…(one day I will do the proper research!)
While I am in no way planning to shut my head in an oven door, I find it interesting that as I become more withdrawn from the real world, the fictional world is welcoming me back with open arms.
This summer, I had the best summer of my life. (Everyone loves a summer romance!) I saw new places, I spent more time with my friends than I ever have before. I see this summer as bright and shining, full of sunshine a warm yellow; and the bright, rippling blue lakes that I drove by when I went to and from various places in the Finger Lakes area.
Me and some girlfriends at Robert Treman state park earlier this summer. (I’m in the brown t-shirt.) What a beautiful day!
And for the first time in about a year: I didn’t write.
Four months went by. I hadn’t written a single thing. (Handsome guys will do that to a girl…) But it makes me question myself. Should I still call myself a writer?
My notebooks didn’t get forgotten…I still had them with me wherever I went. I jotted down a few ideas, came up with a character name, a different story plot, but I didn’t string more than three or four sentences together. No dialogue got written. I might have started two paragraphs in a story and then, hey, there was swimming to be done, and kissing and movies to watch and cuddling…
But here I am, back to reality. Ironic, really. Summer romance done, full-time job over. The reality that I lived in this summer was probably as close to a fiction one as I’ve ever saw myself in.
I suppose the idea is this: When dreams aren’t being fulfilled in reality, I try to live them in the fiction world. What happens then, when I have a really good day?
Hmm, it’s a troubling thought. But I understand, (maybe more than some,) how important it is to maintain a good balance.
And I blame it on that movie, The Words…damn that clever, thought-provoking writing!
“Eventually, all writers have to make a choice,” says a character in the film. Do you live in the fictional world? Or maintain a grasp on reality?
Hmm. Here’s a thought: Why can’t a person do both??
A. J. Morse 