time to sleep
it’s time i keep
close to myself
when the day is done
reality creeps in
and brings with it
hopelessness
It’s so difficult to be ON all of the time. I think it’s okay to make space for the crappy emotional health days. I certainly had my share of them last week. It’s important to come back, though, if you can… and know if you have more sad says than most, you’re not alone. ❤
–AJM
in my mind, i fly
long grass on both sides
the black and white cows are silent
they are decor to this
one woman band
barreling her way
over this hill, this curve and the next
until everything within
vibrates
the silos, the grass covered hill,
those trees
that sunlight highlighting
the puffy white clouds
behind the blue
until everything feels too full
Just some Monday morning inspiration. Being self-reliant can be super lonely sometimes, but no one can choose your path for you. Make your own choices and grow. It’s the only way we bloom.
Hah. I’m really loving the Spring puns this morning. Hope everyone has a great week! ❤️🙂
Happy Tuesday! I am pivoting and trying something new. I am now going to post (lord willing) Monday and Tuesday mornings, and Thursday afternoon around 1pm.
On Mondays look for some Monday motivation in the form of a quote either about conquering the week, writing or mental health. Most likely…I’ll post a lot about mental health.
Additionally, I’d like to post on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesday mornings look for a poem. (With the exception of today, which I’ll post about 1pm today.)
Thursday afternoons could be a poem, an update about the blog, my day, the writing process…what have you. We’ll call Thursdays miscellaneous day, hah.
I hope everyone has a great week! 🙂
Things have been a little quiet here on the blogging front. Not intentionally. This week I’ve been sick with a lovely head cold and I have some new things going on in my life and thought I would take some time to chat about it.
It’s not easy…admitting that you need help. Help comes in many different forms. Emotional…educational…physical.
You might have heard me mention it a time or two: depression and anxiety.
When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective disorder, which is basically depression that one gets based on the lack of sunlight in the winter months. It’s no fun when a chemical in your brain stops working properly and tells you not to be happy anymore.
I’ve…managed with that the last several years. But lately, it seems like the older I get the worse my anxiety is. I have always been a classified “worry-wort,” but there comes a time, where it’s not just worry. Where anxiety becomes something more than just double checking that your doors are locked after you locked them. Twice. And after you already check again for the third time.
The older I get, it seems like the more I don’t function properly. I’ve been debating back and forth why I don’t see myself as “normal” anymore. Why, I think that’s something I ought to be, and why normal isn’t really the same for anyone. What’s normal? And why is it something anyone wants to be, anyway?
But anyway, I digress. The point…I’ve started going to therapy.
Some people might think, so? I’ve gone to therapy, what’s the big deal? But this is a big deal for me. I’m not used to telling my life problems to people, and it’s not always easy admitting that you need help.
There’s no shame in admitting that you need help, and there’s no shame in getting that help. Depression and anxiety are not easy things, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
We all react to our life struggles in different ways, and we all have to find our own ways to encounter such challenges. I am not afraid to talk about my depression and anxiety, but I was afraid to get help. And I’m still afraid in some ways…do people look at me differently? Do I look different?
Does anyone judge me? But…I have to press on.
When I started this blog, I wanted to make sure it was a place that I could always come to, to make sure I was still writing. Now, I also want it to be a place where I can talk freely about my problems with depression and anxiety.
It’s something that needs to be talked about, and seeing as writers and creative sorts always seem to be the ones who struggle with depression and anxiety…we should all do a lot of talking about it.
Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great night, and I hope everyone had a great weekend.
Happy writing!
There’s something that’s been on my mind lately.
As you guys know, Mike and I have moved to a new area, and that means…new job for me. AGAIN.
My last job was great for me: sit in a room and type and don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. Boring, yes, but not taxing or stressful because I wasn’t forced to be interactive on days where I really didn’t want to.
People might shake their head and be like: what are you talking about? What’s so hard about talking to people?
But when you have social anxiety, there is everything wrong with talking to people. It is very difficult to help people when you can’t help yourself.
I don’t know how much I’ve stressed over and over to people who are close to me, and to others and I hope they will eventually get it.
Working in Customer Service where your job is to help people is sooo difficult when you can’t help yourself.
Inside, you feel like you can’t breathe, you are drowning. Your mind is telling you to do something, but you are also fighting with yourself. I can’t, I’ll do it wrong, I’m hopeless, I’m worthless, look at them staring…they know…they know…
On top of the anxiety, there’s the depression that comes a long with it. You feel like a loser. A simple job and you can’t do it. Everyone else is fine, no one is having troubles. There must be something wrong with me. I’m a nobody, I have no purpose, I feel so worthless…so worthless.
These are only a few of the thoughts that were running through my mind today when I was at my new job where I have to assist customers and I have to put on a smile, and I have to interact with people and pretend that I am okay when I’m not.
I even mentioned to my co-worker: “I’m a little anxious today, it makes me feel like extra slow and stuff.”
Didn’t really get much of a response. But where’s the time really to go into the full length explanation, and who knows really what to say to all that anyway?
I think I’ll be looking into seeing a specialist soon as therapists know the right responses to these feelings…or at least you hope they do, but something else has been bothering me:
Why aren’t more people aware of how debilitating anxiety and depression are in the work place?
I know it has effected me and my career…or lack thereof one.
Why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more people aware how difficult it is to put on a brave face, when inside you feel like you are drowning?
WHY DON’T WE TALK MORE ABOUT THIS?
Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. Those of us that struggle with this are heroes when you have to bear this burden in silence, and we really shouldn’t have to be.
It is a real thing, and more people should be understanding out there…work place included.
Ah, I feel better now. Anyway, what are you guys doing tonight? Anything thoughts on this?
I meant to get this post out a few days ago, but I haven’t felt very motivated lately, and sometimes when it comes to it, life tends to get in the way a lot of times.
This is what I got going on tonight. Ohhh, yeaah…
I am a lucky gal tonight though; “Mike,” the other half, is cooking us our Thanksgiving dinner…it pays to wait until after the holiday when Turkeys are on sale! (Plus, we weren’t really home on Thanksgiving anyway as a few of our relatives had delicious dinners that gave me a serious food-baby…eek…I totally didn’t have to eat for like two days after.)
Anyway, that’s my life tonight, back to the NaNoWriMo life, which…didn’t go as planned, of course.
Final Word count: 8,380
I cringe a little bit when I admit this…maybe I should fudge it and say yes, I typed 49,999 words, but I didn’t. And I’m not really a great liar anyway.
I don’t really understand what happened, to be honest. I didn’t mean to give up, I guess I got frustrated with my story and stuck. I realized that I definitely should have done some more world-building, and my characters seemed underdeveloped.
But then I tell myself, well yes, of course, it is a rough draft, and the whole point is development. Which brings me to the other thing.
I realized I have a tendency to hold back when it comes to my writing. Instead of writing out that fluff, stretching that idea, going there, I pull back and seem to think: well, what if it turns out awful? What if it really IS as corny as it sounds?
It’s that same old Writer’s Fear again, and it is crippling me. Every year because of the winter blues I do go through a period where I feel uninspired, but it’s not just that. I want my voice back, that writing environment where I was open and free to say what I want and to learn what I can. This is definitely also why I think an MFA degree would be beneficial to me.
Anyway, I don’t want to be completely bummed about this recent failure. Not everyone is successful at NaNoWriMo, and it definitely has taught me some new things this time around.
First things first: It’s okay that you don’t know where the story is going to go.
That’s really the whole point of a first draft, really. To explore, figure out what works and what doesn’t.
Creating some kind of outline is beneficial. Especially for NaNoWriMo. It’s great to have a set plan when you plan to write a lot in a short period of time. Then you don’t waste time wondering what the heck you are supposed to be doing next, and why isn’t this character doing what he/she is told?!
Writing is supposed to be fun. Sometimes it is difficult to remember that when it starts to feel like a chore. I will have to find new ways to motivate myself. Perks, snacks, music. I have Pandora on ALL the time. Music is a great inspiration.
And, Don’t be afraid to write what you want. Write from the heart. Write that fluff, that cheesy, cliché, Oh-my-God-he-gasped-in-surprise type of writing.
Write what makes you happy and then build from there. There’s that expression: dance like nobody’s watching. I need to write like nobody is watching, or potentially reading. In the end, it is MY story. I can make it how I want it to be.
Well, that’s it for me. I am going to go and try to write that fluff I was talking about. Odd how writing is really a reflection of the person behind the helm. My whole life I’ve struggled with self-worth and feeling good enough for myself. So, naturally, it would make sense that I would have problems with that in my writing, too.
But, I am a strong, confident, business/writing women, and I can go and conquer the world! (If I so desire).
Hope everyone is having a great night! Happy Writing!
Meh. It’s a crappy day outside here in upstate, New York. The sky is gray, kind of damp and windy and fall colors seem to be bleeding away into this disgusting looking reddish/brown and I am having a terrible time waking up this Sunday afternoon.
I thought about doing some cleaning and then shopping…but meh, I think I’ll just sit here in front of my light box and write. Woe is to me.
For someone who gets seasonal depression every single year, you’d think I would learn by now, right? Was rather weeping/down these past couple of days…didn’t realize it until I watched a sad video on youtube a few days ago, (I mean, not very sad,) and starting crying because of it.
Snapped this at my parent’s house this weekend. Perhaps all the trees aren’t past their prime, yet.
Then, off to the light box – and I had a great Friday and Saturday with one of my friends: we had a girl’s night, ate pizza and watched The Age of Adeline, which I loved, and then had lunch with my sister and niece on Saturday.
Everyone needs a little soul food; and then a lovely Saturday night spent with Mike and I’m happy. Like, very happy. Back to normal. Summer Amanda. Woo.
Then…this morning’s dream.
My Grandma passed away this Spring, and its becoming clear to me now that the holidays are rapidly approaching and grandma is not going to be there this year to celebrate it with us. I know I knew this at the time it happened, but it’s not really sinking in until now.
I had a dream it was Thanksgiving at grandma’s house. I saw all this wonderful food set out in the kitchen and then for some reason, I decided to go take a nap. I fell asleep and no one woke me up to tell me that dinner was ready, and I came out to the kitchen and all the food was gone. There were some sickeningly sweet pudding and jello desserts left, but no cheese and crackers. No turkey, no mashed potatoes. Grandma was there in the kitchen with everyone, and they all exchanged looks with everyone as I slammed things down and brushed things aside, angry and confused that this had happened to me.
And then grandma steps up and smiles to me, and offers me something (I think it’s an apple,) and jokes and says something funny and tries to reassure me that everything’s okay, but it’s not. I rudely brush past her and run through her house to her guest bedroom, which is just off of the living room in the back of the house.
Suddenly, I’m sobbing into the bed because I know its Thanksgiving and grandma is not there anymore. She’s never going to be, and even if the food is all gone, the pain of her absence is more infuriating, hurts worse, more than the pain an empty stomach could ever be.
I woke up with tears dried on my face, and itchy eyes. And I have tears in my eyes now. What is the matter with me?
Thank you subconscious…For allowing me to remember. As if I could forget?
Grief makes you feel so lonely. Depression, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and have a do over. Maybe this time I would dream about meeting J.K. Rowling like I did last Saturday?
Time to get motivated. Time to remember that I’m not alone in this…that many, MANY others suffer from depression and need help, too. I think the best thing to do right now is make sure that I have an outlet…sometimes there is no lonelier a place than your own head space. (Hah! I made a rhyme!)
Okay, enough of that. I had this song stuck in my head today. (I recently discovered Pentatonix On My Way home documentary on Netflix, too!)
Their sound always seems to cheer me up. MUSIC cheers me up. Writing is always a great comfort to me as well.
What do you guys do to brighten up the day?
Happy Writing!
It’s cold in our apartment this morning and its become that time where we can’t decide if it’s quite cold enough to remove the AC’s from the windows. (I think so!)
I woke up this morning, (and bundled up!) and got myself a cup of tea and brunch…and now I am settled in a blanket in front of the TV watching cartoons. (I found Phineas and Ferb on Netflix, tehehe).
The point is: it is raining and chilly outside and I am completely content with being a bum and snuggling under the blankets. I think I might start reading a book, too.
This hibernation of mine this morning, reminds me of the last couple of days, which have been kind of rough for me. It has been terribly gloomy and rainy outside.
I get terrible seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, (SAD). For those of who don’t know what that is, read the definition here.
Basically it is what it sounds like it is. I get depression based on the seasons. Usually its based on how light it is outside…in the winter months the days are shorter and it does something to my brain…I don’t get all the happy chemicals I need and I spiral into an emotion imbalance…I change.
It’s very frustrating. Its like I lose half of myself each year. I morph from Summer Amanda into Winter Amanda and I don’t like losing myself each year to that other person.
(I know I definitely need to move south or something,) but right now I live in New York and this is who I am.
Summer Amanda likes to be creative, likes the sunshine, likes to try new things.
Winter Amanda has a hard time concentrating, she’s super tired all the time and she wakes up more and more with a feeling of hopelessness deep in her chest.
The tiredness, I can deal with…but the depression….it makes it very difficult to wake up each and every morning.
Some days are better than others. This feeling of hopelessness also leads to self-doubt, which in turn leads to anxiety. It’s a never-ending cycle and sometimes it is exhausting.
I am very blessed to have friends and family in my life that get why on some days I just want to stay inside where its safe, though. I just want to be surrounded by love and comfort and warmth, and enjoy a nice night where I’m not self-doubting myself, where I felt content and safe and loved.
Not everyday is like that, though.
I am lucky, though; the shorter days will soon be over, and come late December, the days will start getting longer. It’s just these fall into winter months where I struggle the most.
So, I’m going to sit back, listen to music and enjoy my tea, and some light box therapy, and not feel guilty that I am being completely unsocial while doing so.
The people who are important to me in my life get it, and that’s enough for me.
Happy Saturday Everyone!
In case you didn’t notice…I had a bit of a rough time last night.
The weight of the world was on my shoulders and sometimes you can’t help it, you feel yourself sinking down into that deep, dark abyss.
Heavy and dreary skies at the beach at Wilmington, NC.
I watched my niece earlier today and as I was playing the “Be Patient” song to her on YouTube from the music machine, it had me thinking about the other songs my mother used to play for us as kids, and among them were the Psalty Song Book Praises.
Now, for those who don’t know who or what I’m talking about it was a series of music tapes created by a church group aimed to spread the love of God through kids songs.
And yes…I grew up in a very christian home and as I’m certainly not as innocent and trusting as I was back then…sometimes a message meant for kids, hits just as close to home when you are an adult.
And that is a song called “One Step at a Time.”
No matter what gets you down in life, you can climb your mountains… one step at a time.
Whether it be school, job, your kids, your homework…everything is easier to tackle little by little. I shouldn’t let that mountain-load of stress get me down…even if it does seem a heavy load to bear…
Rainbow in the sky over Binghamton University. Taken about April 2011.
Remembering that if I climb on top of it, look at the larger picture, one itty-bitty step at a time… “I’m gonna make it!”
And whether it be God, your parents, your husband or your best friend, no one is alone in their troubles…or you don’t have to be. A friend is there to lighten the load. Just like laughter is, just like love.
And loving something or someone other than yourself, other than your troubles…makes the world brighten.
A. J. Morse 