social anxiety | A. J. Morse

i wish i could find what’s missing
what makes doing and going someplace new
feel like i’m trudging through a battlefield
except artillery and rifle fire
are the unfamiliar places and people
where everything is bright and too loud
shadowy people with waxy faces
an alien dream
this is my nightmare

“i’m sure it’ll be fine”
is the social balm
for my nothing problem
doesn’t make me feel better
who’s scared to go places
freak

i’m exhausted
my mind is spinning and spinning like
i’m running for my life
i’m trying to dodge thoughts and possibilities
they pop out at me like too-tall cartoon characters, clowns with bleeding make-up and boulders waiting to crush me
imagining conversations with strangers like there is a ringing in my head
dragging my thoughts together
like a bunch of trampled papers
fearing words that might come out wrong, a response or joke i hear incorrectly
the more i know about myself
the more i think, i am in the world differently
i ask my therapist
what does it matter, she says
a proper diagnosis
is too expensive

It’s amazing how a cafeteria smell
Will instantly take you back
The way it smells like broccoli cheddar soup. Like cheese but with a funk
Only 20 seconds
And the anxiety flashes back
High school anxiety. And middle school anxiety.
Standing in line forever to get food
If you kept your head down, the kids that were lewd, that were cruel, left you alone, rushing to eat
Difficult to swallow when your heart is pounding

Choking down chicken and gravy
That sticks to your throat like plaster
Or a doughy pizza that’s okay. Thank God for Pepperoni

Then you got the years Michelle Obama tried to make us eat healthy, and everything palatable (fries and cookies) were taken away and replaced my wheat rolls that looked and tasted like cardboard
What will we eat now?

It was okay with friends
It was safe there
Laughing and creating together
But on my own, I felt anxiety about a crowd
A teenage boy loves an easy mark
Especially someone so gullible
Innocent, naive, and unaware of the world

A 16 year old should have been more aware
Should have been not so afraid
I didn’t know how to be
Every day was fight or flight
And mom would be instantly there. To make it all better