writing

How Depression Really Feels

/ Ajmorse / 3 Comments

Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.

window-view-1081788_1920Today is a bad day for me. I try really hard, but somehow, I am always less than what I should be. Feelings of worthlessness, tiredness, that whole Is-it-worth-it-to-get-out-of-bed type of attitude.

I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.

If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.

Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.

Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.

Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?

How??

My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.

And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.

Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?

I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.

The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.

Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.

10 New Year’s Resolutions for Myself

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

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I don’t normally do these lists, but well, I wanted to this year. Besides, if I don’t write things down lately, I will never remember them. And this is for me after all…Plus, it gives me a chance to actually think of my New Year’s resolutions as I haven’t really thought of them yet, heh heh.

Anyway here goes…

1. Love More

Love my family more, love my boyfriend more, love my friends; show compassion to others who don’t necessarily see it on a day-to-day basis. More hugs and cuddles!

2. Be a better Writer

Okay, confession: I am a terrible speller, and I could be better when it comes to grammar. Sure I know the difference between my there, their, and they’res, but there are certain grammatical rules I should probably know better. Like does that comma go there, does that semi-colon go there, etc. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself. Oh, and I need to actually Write More this year!

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3. Eat Healthier

Now that the holidays are over, enough with the sweets already! We are having a nice meal tonight (courtesy of the gift cards we got for Christmas) but this is our last hurrah. But what a way to break into the new year with filet mignon and scallops, eh?

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4. Travel More

Was playing a drinking game last night, and it became clear to me that a lot of us hadn’t been out and done anything. I felt kind of pathetic. Enough of that! It’s time to see the world and experience new things. You only live once.

5. Volunteer

This Christmas, I felt the need to give back more than ever. It has been hard with my Grandma gone around the holidays, but this year felt just a little bit easier.  I felt like it was time to show the love to everyone that she has been known for.

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6. Exercise

I hate going outside during the winter months sometimes. It’s so cold! But on the sunny not-windy days, I need to bundle up and get moving! Motivate myself with a new book, etc.

7. Treat Myself Better

This goes along with taking time for myself. Sleep more, give yourself time for light therapy in the mornings, and don’t be too hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect and there will be bad days and good days. I have to remember that when you are upset you make it ten times worse to make yourself feel bad about it.

8. Be Open-minded

If there is anything to take away from this disastrous election year here in the US, it’s to be more open-minded. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, but we should listen and chat openly about the issues we are facing in our country. Only by educating ourselves can we truly understand the problems at hand.

9. Save Money

We are terrible at saving money. It’s not that we spend it on useless things, and it’s not that we ever go without – we just see a little extra money in the bank, and it’s a hey! Off to a great place on the weekend or a new restaurant! Self, it’s time to BE BETTER at this.

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10. Love Animals

My boyfriend’s dog, (aka our fur baby) lives at my mother’s house as a country dog, which he loves very much. But being with him this holiday season reminds me of the powerful therapeutic connection we share with our four-legged friends and how important it is to continue to support our animals…domestic or otherwise.

And that’s it really. What about you? What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Poem: Dear Grandma

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

Dear Grandma,

I miss you

I think of you everyday

your loud laughter

your eye-crinkle smile

even your house

that smelled a certain way

 

the holidays are near

I want to show I care

I want to know that you’d be proud

I want to feel like you’re here

 

I want someone

to throw wrapping paper

I want someone

to squeeze me so tight it hurts

I want the fake snow-flake decals

on every single window

 

It doesn’t feel like Christmas

now that you’re gone, grandma…

it feels like a big hole is missing

that place that used to exist

the place where Christmas used to be

 

I imagine it sucked out like a giant vacuum

a void, a black hole

a darkness that feels so sad

and so angry

so empty

so empty

 

It makes me mad

that you’re not here

to see the years past

you won’t get the family bulletin

a summary of the year

of life’s triumphs

and heart-breaks

 

Instead we drag on

we trudge behind time

like lost little sheep

 

we labor to it

we are slaves to it

we worship it

but we can’t do anything

 

there’s nothing I can do about you being gone

I’d know what you’d say

you’d laugh and say something like,

“Trust God, and in him, all things are possible.

And what are you worrying about anyway?

I’m with him. And that’s as it should be…”

But it feels so sad, Grandma…

so hopeless,

without you.

 

 

Fantastic Beasts Post: What would you have in your suitcase?

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

wp-image-726289597jpg.jpgSo, I was having a thought the other day about the new movie by J.K. Rowling, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

If you aren’t familiar with the story, Fantastic Beasts is about Newt Scamander, a self-proclaimed Magizoologist, or a person who loves and is enthusiastic about the care and protection of magical creatures.

Awkward Newt Scamander seems to get a long with creatures better than with people, and on a trip to New York City to help one of said creatures, he finds himself on an adventure of a life time.

During his trip, he carries a suitcase, but he doesn’t have clothes in his suitcase like every other no-mag (American term for a person who doesn’t have magic), instead, his suitcase acts as his own work space, and is where he keeps the rare creatures that he cares for.

Step into Newt’s suitcase and you’ll descend stairs and find yourself in a work-shop of sorts; full of what Newt needs to care for his creatures: extra boots and gloves, medicine for ailments, food for the animals, etc. And beyond that…his suitcase is basically a zoo, really, complete with climate and wide open plains for various creatures. Because, you know, why not?

Anything is possible with magic!

My question is this: If you could have your own suitcase like Newt’s magical suitcase, what would be in yours?

Mine would hold my office, a library, a reader’s nook, kitchenette and bathroom complete with Jacuzzi tub.

Beyond that, you would find yourself on a beach, where the air is warm and the sound of waves wash over you as you step along in the soft, soft, sand.

Follow the boardwalk and you’ll find yourself in a park, which leads to a huge, green forest with miles of walking trails, up and over hills and ravines and to a lake.

Back on the beach if you walk the other way down the boardwalk, you’ll find yourself in a food court with the option to try all different types of foods of the world.

Maybe tucked in somewhere, there will be a pool next to the office and a great patio, etc.

A dream place to go, to relax, to create and to be myself.

I’ve told you mine, now its your turn! What would you have in your suitcase?

NaNoWriMo: How’d you guys do? Finish a novel?

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

writing-828911_1920Well, my NaNoWriMo month wasn’t very successful. I honestly didn’t have the time.

Buut…wanted to ask everyone: How did it go?

Since it is no longer November, don’t you think we should have a December novel writing month?  DeCeMoWriMo?

Wait, that doesn’t make much sense…December NaNoWriMo?

Anywho…did you guys get a lot done? Create awesome characters? Type out about 50,000 words of trash? (Hehe!) Trash is still good!

The important thing is, is that you are writing and no one can take that away from you.

Something I ‘scribbled’ in my phone today on the way home from the library tonight:

 

for what I have are words

life’s love song

I hold them like a talisman

close to my heart

 

Hope everyone is having a great night! Happy writing!

Poem: Rubbish

/ Ajmorse / 5 Comments

ah, words not coming out right

just another dreary night

full of regret

things left to happenstance

on YouTube

watching some young people dance

Carrie Fisher on Ellen

Natalie Portman pregnant

this isn’t writing you fool

everything stagnant

Oh, a video of Hamilton

look, now, its James Corden

Can’t say I’m not bored then –

but ah, not writing

still not writing

wait, what is this?

…rubbish.

 

 

….a YouTube cover, Game of Thrones theme…

 

Agh.

Cleaning; and Editing My Story

/ Ajmorse / 2 Comments

img_20161120_130352703_hdr.jpgObserve the picture at right…my stack of books piled next to my bed.

This happens every once in a while; the books pile up and it is time to do some cleaning. This goes along with the vacuuming, and laundry and yes, being an adult is waay over-rated sometimes.

Along with cleaning, though, I’ve been trying to edit one of my stories today and this becomes its own sort of cleaning…

You have to clean the sentences; trim down the wording until you have clear, precise language and what you are trying to say isn’t bogged down by excessive adjectives or adverbs.

Oh, beware of the too many adverbs! These are the ones that you have to watch out for.

What I’ve learned, though, is that I am terrible at editing my own work! I know that many authors have expressed that it is a major suck-fest to edit and I would have to agree.

It is fun sometimes when you can see the clear direction that a story is supposed to go on the page. Sometimes you know know how things are meant to be…and sometimes not.

This is when the frustration comes in.

I’ve gotten into the habit of jumping around and then going back to the point in a story that I find particularly irksome at a later date. This helps because then you come back to the page with a fresh mind and sometimes new ideas.

What about you guys? Got any great editing techniques out there?

NaNoWriMo Days 1-3: How’s It Going?

/ Ajmorse / 4 Comments

writing-828911_1920Well, my first few days of NaNoWriMo haven’t been all that successful…I must admit I’m not sure I’ll have the time nor the attention to devote to it this year, but I’m going to try.

Starting a new job soon and I’m in a new location and that makes it even harder to concentrate…but we shall see how it goes. I had hoped tonight I would get more brainstorming done so I can start working on building some sort of Plot Map.

I like the idea of a Plot Map, rather than an outline. Outlines really don’t do that much for me. Not when stories have the potential to branch out in so many different directions.

Plus, with maps you can see the path illustrated in front of you to follow. To me outlines are just a bunch of words on a page and I have a hard time visualizing my story if I were to plot it out that way.

When I say plot map, I’m picturing something like these examples.

Anyway, how are you guys doing with NaNoWriMo this year? How did you brainstorm or prepare for your story?

Will You NaNoWriMo this Month?

/ Ajmorse / Leave a comment

Whoa, honestly, where did last month go? Seems like these fall and holiday months always slip right by us, you know? Next thing we know, its middle of February and feels like the cold will never end. Sigh. 
Anyway, I totally forgot that today was the first day of Nanowrimo. I should have been planning and outlining and creating some kind of character list. Last year I worked on a novel that’s been in the works for awhile, and its definitely grown so much since then. And even though I never made my word count goal, that focus I had on that story for a month really paid off. I think I’ll do something similar this year.

Here are some reasons why I think all writers should participate in Nanowrimo at least once in their lives:

The brainstorming possibilities. 

This goes without saying. When you are forced to write a lot in a short amount of time, you have to make a lot of decisions for your characters. This makes you explore possibilities in your story that you might not have thought of before.

You learn how to write a novel.

If this is your first try at writing a novel in the month of November, no worries! There are a lot of first timers out there and they are here to help. You’ll be learning about plot, crafting a beginning, middle and end, and sometimes you’ll learn that some stories start out in the middle. 

If you have questions, remember: you are not alone.

Get online, create an account and feel part of the community of writers. Invite your friends, make some friends and celebrate! This is the month for writers! 

Will you Nanowrimo this year? I’d love to hear about it!